I feel like I just can’t anymore. And that’s hard. It’s a hard pill to swallow.
I feel like can’t do it. I can’t be the person everyone needs me to be. I can’t go to sleep because the nightmares terrify me. Or I’m (accurately so) afraid to fall asleep, because I know damn well I won’t be able to without the horrible thoughts and anxiety and etc…..and hence, I’ll drink 3x as much.
I can’t continue to give 300% of myself, when my body was only made to operate at maybe 50%. (Thanks, genetic disorder. Love you too.)
I can’t continue to feel like I have to be everything for everyone….when I can’t even show up for myself.
I feel like I can’t do this anymore.
Yesterday was hard. Last night was harder. The thoughts crept in, the grief hit hard, and nothing felt okay.
Tomorrow won’t be any easier.
I feel so stuck and so trapped and anxious.
I’m the lifeboat keeping everyone alive. And yet…I feel like I’m drowning.
How can that be?
How can I single handedly keep EVERYONE in my life afloat……. All the meanwhile, absolutely drowning myself?
I can’t. I don’t think I can.
I’m supposed to be the lifeboat.
I’m the caretaker. The healer. The one that is placed on this earth to help and to heal.
But I can’t.
I’m tired.
I’m broken.
And quite frankly?
I could really use a lifeboat myself.
I don’t know what I can write to make you feel more capable of handling this incredibly difficult life you’re living.
You inspire me so much, and I truly wish I could make things better for you. I know you are trying your hardest, and I know you’re not getting any support from your parents, and it breaks my heart.
What do you imagine your lifeboat would look like? What would save you?
That’s a really good question, one that is hard to answer. I think, for me, it would be feeling loved and supported. Some of the weight being lifted off of me, maybe even enough to be able to take a deep breath again. But just…really FEELING like I’m not so alone in this. Just, knowing people are there, that’s they’re a safe person to talk to…yeah. I think something along those lines. Just…love. Love that I don’t have to ask for.