Rolling with the punches…kind of

“I’m going to say something shitty to you now, and I apologize for that”

*Takes half a second….realizes that it’s not worth it…I don’t need to say something that would hurt him.*

Oh boy. Do you ever have those moments…where you know EXACTLY just what to say, just what feels so fucking correct and accurate……but the feelings of who you’re saying it to just isn’t quite worth hurting?

Yeah. That’s the position I found myself in late last night. Let’s back up.

This is the text I received from my husband earlier yesterday afternoon –

In case you’re confused or new here…..

My husbands dad died last week. It was very expected, he spent 3 weeks with him a few months ago saying his goodbyes and trying to do all he could do at that point to prolong his life…..etc.

We knew his death was imminent.

Anyway…..his dad passed away last week, March 7th, 2024.

He took a week of bereavement leave from work, knowing that his dad’s service wouldn’t be in the immediate future (his wishes were to be cremated, therefore service could be a few weeks away).

He got the text yesterday afternoon, that his dad’s service would be April 4th. In a location that’s over a 10 hour drive from us.

Cool. We currently only have one car (mine) and I can’t be without it (ya know, having 3 kids and all).

I’d NEVER, EVERRRRRRR stop my husband from saying goodbye (again) to his dad, and attending his funeral. In fact, I’m actually forcing him to.

But…hey, guys????

Do you know what else occurs on April 4th???!

That’s right!!!

My birth son’s birthday. His 10th birthday, to be precise.

To attend his dad’s funeral, my husband would be away (flying) from April 3-5th.

Quite literally the HARDEST few days of the year for me.

He said he wasn’t going to go. (Yeah, okay, hello avoidance, nice to meet you). I said no fucking way, you’re getting your ass on a plane, and here is the info.

After a night where he wasn’t particularly acting like the most supportive husband in the world….this is what I wanted to say to him.

“You’re going to need to choose between acting like you’re not affected by your dad dying, and being there for me over these next few weeks while I’m having ALL the feelings and ALL the grief about my birth son…and him turning 10.

You can’t say no to not going to his service, while also not being prepared to be there for me emotionally during MY hardest time.”

I’m every flavor of emotionally fucked up right now. And the idea of actually having to be alone, completely on my own, on my most indescribably hard nights…it’s not easy.

I wouldn’t be forcing him to go, to leave me alone when I need him the most, if it wasn’t important.

I honestly just can’t believe how messed up my life is that that’s really the date that they picked.

Anyway. Yeah. That was my night.

Other than the lovely and unfortunate end to my day, at least I managed to get a good 2 hours in during therapy.

We talked about all of the 100 things that happened during my life during her short absence, and it was just good to finally have a person back that I know for sure has my back right now. I can’t really say the same thing about anyone else. Which sucks, but, it is what it is.

This afternoon, I’m going to meet with the person who did my son’s evaluation last week. We’ll see what diagnosis or diagnoses we’ll walk away with…if that’s autism or ADHD or both or something different altogether.

To say that I’m nervous is an understatement.

This season of life feels impossible right now. And there are exceptionally few places or people that actually feel safe.

I think the only way to make it through these next few weeks is by leaning into the safe people and safe places…because without that…I just don’t know what else there is to do.