This morning started off basically as badly as it could have.
My body is so far and beyond physically exhausted, last night all I wanted to do was go to sleep. Going to sleep before midnight and way too many drinks is a nightly occurrence for me. Yet last night, it was 10pm, I didn’t want to drink, and I wanted to just sleep.
I told my husband that I wasn’t feeling great physically, and needed a few hours in the morning. I needed him to take the kids out in the morning until naptime so I could just get a freaking break. One that I haven’t had in weeks. And then we’d spend the rest of the day working outside, finishing up the fencing for the goat pen.
This morning was weird. First of all, I didn’t wake up until after 6:30. I usually wake up before 6, drink coffee, and then get the kids at 6:30.
It wasn’t until 7 that I actually managed to be awake enough to get out of bed, but it was still rough. I could’ve slept another hour.
My husband, who got up when I woke him up at 6:30, was…for whatever reason…not being very kind to me. He was, according to him, “anticipating me being upset or angry with him”. Which…I wasn’t.
So he was short with me and hurtful for literally no reason, causing me to be extremely upset because what did I do to deserve that?
Because I needed a few hours? Because I’m not feeling great emotionally or physically?
Or because he’s feeling the pressure of me and my emotions, doesn’t know how to be there…and just acts like that because of it?
I don’t know. I don’t care.
All I needed this morning was a few hours before nap time. To drink coffee. Eat a meal. Maybe just lie down and rest for a little while. All of my days and nights have been spent working or building things or taking care of animals and kids…and I’m spent.
Today is a day with a lot to do, but I needed a minute.
It’s not uncommon. It’s a part of our weekend routine more often than not. The difference being that they usually go out after nap time.
We sort of communicated about the issue before he left just a few minutes ago.
He apologized, but it left me in tears, and him feeling like crap for hurting me.
This time of year, all I freaking need is support and love. And I swear.
Whenever there are expectations or burdens or whatever word you want to use for me needing people…it doesn’t ever go well.
My husband has admitted in the past that he sometimes gets overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to do for me this time of year. I don’t need or ask him to do anything for me. I just need him to be there.
Honestly, I need anyone to be there.
The next week and a half is going to be insanely brutal for me.
I’m just so sad. And broken. And hurting.
Nothing feels like it will ever be okay again.
How can it be? How can anything ever be okay, when a huge chunk of my heart is missing, and I’ll never get it back?
I mis him always, but today I miss him extra
