What is “fair”, does that even exist?

I’ve been struggling recently with the word “fair”.

My life certainly isn’t fair. It sucks. It’s hard. And I hate it. My kids are suffering, my family is heavily impacted, and it’s been brutal.

I got 1 hour and 27 minutes of sleep last night. Why?

Well, as you may or may not know, my oldest (parented) son has been in the hospital for the last week. Dealing with respiratory failure secondary to a neuromuscular disorder.

Last night, my youngest son was admitted via ambulance to the children’s hospital 2 hours from our home.

We entered the ER after a pediatrician appointment where she told us that he was worse sounding than his brother (I already knew and anticipated this), and would need to be admitted as well.

This was mid afternoon.

We didn’t get to the children’s hospital until 4am. I sat with him for 12 hours. Without sleep. Without peeing. (A big deal for me and my tiny bladder). And without help. (Per my request, my husband drove our car down earlier in the night so he wouldn’t be too tired. I knew we’d be transported by ambulance.)

It’s not fair that I’m now spending my 8th day in a row in a hospital with 2 separate kids.

It’s not fair that I’ve now truly and whole heartedly feared for their lives. Two of my babies. Have faced death this week. And that is by no means an exaggeration. They are both still walking the line. With the baby now being extremely critical.

2 of my sons have been hospitalized for very serious reasons for the past 8 days.

And tomorrow, my oldest son, my birth son, who I don’t get the honor of parenting, turns 10.

I can’t grieve. Because they all need grieving right now. In their own ways.

Grief of the actual physical loss of my birth son.

Grief of losing the security and normalcy of my parented children’s health. They are not stable. Or okay.

Grief of accepting what is. This is our normal now.

Hospitals. And equipment. And fear.

I need sleep.

But this isn’t fair.

It’s not fair.

And I’m angry.

Why can’t my babies all be healthy and home with me. Why does it have to be so scary, so severe…and so deadly.

I hate this.

It isn’t fair.