When words are hard to find, when my voice gets silenced and writing becomes impossible….thats one of the biggest red flags that exists for me.
There are some things that, over time, I’ve learned are major signs that something is wrong. Namely, not being able to write, and also the opposite…writing a ton. Writing because it’s all exploding out of me, and it needs to go somewhere.
Right now, writing feels forced. Not now, this one doesn’t…what I’ve written doesn’t. But, I can’t just…sit down and write and it flow like it usually does right now.
I’m so in my own head. Everything hurts. Everything is hard. My mental load is one that I don’t even know how to weigh at this point.
I don’t know how to put it into words, I don’t know why it matters, I don’t know who cares…I don’t know who is listening. And even if no one is listening, I don’t know if my words are worth being out there, and I don’t know why any of it matters.
My world is on fire. I feel helpless in a world that is burning down around me. Everyone needs me. Everyone needs me to save them. To help. To keep them alive, functioning and okay. I cannot be that person anymore.
I had therapy tonight, and that’ll get its own post. This whole day will. It went well, and it’s honestly the only place in the entire world where I feel okay. Maybe even safe.
But right now? How I’m feeling in this moment? Late at night when I’m surrounded by all that I’m surrounded by?
It’s…..it feels like urgency. I’m feeling such a sense of urgency. And anxiety. And panic.
Words are hard to put together right now. I feel like I can’t explain myself, or how I’m feeling, or why. I just spent nearly 2 weeks straight in the hospital with 2 of my kids. My birth son just turned 10…and all the feelings in the world about that.
Everything feels upside down. I feel like I’ll never catch up.
I want to leave my life. Just…go somewhere where I can be me. Focus on one thing at a time. One thing, and then the next.
Maybe take care of my needs along the way.
HAH!
My needs????! Needs?! No. I don’t get to have needs. And they certainly don’t get met.
I’m exhausted. And hurting. I feel like nothing makes sense anymore. Things feel different. Because they are. Things are different now.
I’m living a life where I can’t live up to the demands being placed on me.
I’m not good enough.
And I can’t do this.