I woke up today just feeling…bad. Sad for no specific reason, with this sense of doom that it’s just going to be a bad day.
There’s no real reason for it, nothing that triggered it or caused it…I just…feel sad. I feel hopeless and lonely and like nothing can or will ever change.
Honestly, my health is starting to scare me. I have something like 5 appointments coming up between tomorrow and next week, and with the immediate future being SO unknown…it’s terrifying.
If my doctor appointments don’t go well, they aren’t going to let me stay pregnant for much longer. I’m only 31 weeks right now, and I’d really like to make it to at least 34. But if there’s any risk of permanent heart damage…I know I can’t.
I’m a planner. It goes against ever fiber of me to be this unprepared. For everything to be this up in the air.
And for the genuine concern over the health of not just me, but my little buddy too. My 5 year old was born full term and weighed exactly 6 pounds. He was so tiny! This little guy needs as much of a chance as I can give him. He doesn’t need to be born early and have a NICU stay. He needs me to keep him safe. And I feel like I’m failing at that. I feel like I’m failing him.
And despite all of those reasons, I’m struggling with coming to grips with the end of this pregnancy. Aside from all of those reasons I just mentioned, I’m terrified of being on my own again. Of being thrown to the wind with my body being back to myself, free to do whatever I want to it. Drinking, (prescription) pills…it’s scary.
I don’t want to fuck it all up. I used this time as an opportunity to try to heal and grow…and I have. I don’t want to have wasted all this time just to go back to where I was. But I’m about as alone in this journey as it gets, and besides my therapist, this particular issue is not one I talk openly about at all.
Sometimes I look around at my life, and I feel this sense of hopelessness and straight up panic. Like, there’s nothing I can do to change my situation. The health issues, the therapies, the stress, the chaos…it just doesn’t stop. Sometimes I wish that it could all just stop. Or at least, that I could get a break from it.
I’ve been feeling so panicked and overwhelmed lately. And this morning, when I woke up…it just felt like too much.
I don’t know what the rest of the day looks like, maybe it feels better, maybe it doesn’t.
But maybe it’s okay to let myself be sad today. Instead of fighting the feelings, maybe, just sometimes, it’s okay to let myself feel them.