Showing up or shutting down?

What do you say to the people in your life when you’re as broken as a person can be?

What do you say when you walk into therapy after a week that’s felt about 3 years long?

Is there a point to being brutally honesty…to getting everything off my heart that’s weighing me down so heavily?

During my most vulnerable times, I’ve learned to be less honest. Be more protective of my thoughts and my heart. It’s usually the safer thing to do. But that’s assuming that you don’t entirely trust the person you’re talking to. And for once… I’m trying to trust.

It’s my natural instinct to run…to push everyone and everything away. But all that does is leave me feeling even worse. More alone, more isolated…just, bad.

I need to drink less. Like, right now. Not tomorrow, not next week. Immediately.

I’m not in a good place. It’s like all of the trauma I’ve been through over the last few months has just taken a hammer to my soul and just shattered it. Shattered the parts of me that work so hard to keep me functioning.

My husband is keeping a real short leash on me at night right now…I’d be dead right now if he wasn’t.

I’m struggling to piece together the words I need to describe what I’m feeling.

And I think that’s a part of the reason why even just the thought of being “honest” feels impossible.

What happens when the most broken person in the world walks in to therapy? Do they break? Do they shut down? Or do they show up in all of the ways they need to? Do they even know how?

I’m hanging on by a thread. I really am.

And I don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

I don’t know. Maybe I should just cancel tonight and not go.

Words don’t seem like they’ll come easily tonight anyway.