A brain like a bowl of noodles, and slowing down to reconnect.

Don’t think, don’t block it out, don’t edit it or filter it. Just let it out.

I have SO much running through my head lately that it hurts. I have so many thoughts that mean something, but then they just get lost halfway through and all tangled up and I can’t isolate anything anymore.

My brain feels like a bowl of ramen noodles and all of the noodles (thoughts) are all tangled up and you can’t grab one noodle without 30 more coming with it and next thing you know you have too much in your mouth and your splashing broth everywhere.

This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this, where everything feels so fast and yet so incomplete at the same time. And I know from experience, that writing usually helps.

Taking the time to connect with myself….making my hands work in conjunction with my brain.

When I take the time to actually sit and allow it to flow without thinking about it, that’s when everything starts making a bit more sense.

Like, I can actually hear myself without all the background static, the internal distractions.

If I were to sit down and try to have a conversation with you verbally right now, I couldn’t. I think it’s just that the walls have been up for some time now, and when that happens…I tend to shut down even from myself.

That’s what this is. I’ve distanced myself from the ability to connect with my thoughts. I’ve distanced myself from my ability to feel what I’m feeling.

And sometimes, it goes too far, and I have to really stretch to make sense of things.

So, we write. And we take a long time to answer questions, because you want to really search for the right answer. Not just the first answer.

I wish I knew how to explain these things better.

It’s one of those things where you either have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about…or you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about and it’s finally put into words in a weird as shit way but that you somehow perfectly understand.

(Let’s hope someone out there is the latter and feels a percentage less alone because someone else feels just like they do)

I’ve suffered from nightmares for my entire life. Like, truly horrifying nightmares that have caused a significant amount of sleep (and alcohol) related problems for me.

But recently…I’m not having…nightmares….not in the traditional sense. I’m having dreams that match up so closely with reality that I have to actually sit and think about if that really happened or not.

Like, my subconscious wants me to listen. It wants me to check back in. And it’s presenting itself in the form of dreams. The conversations I should have with people. Allowing connections to strengthen with other people…things like that.

My dreams, my subconscious, whatever, is trying to get me to listen. It’s either telling me what I “want”, or what I, on some deeper level, think I should do.

My dreams don’t typically involve “real” people…but representations of people that my brain can assign meaning to. You know, like, “oh I had a dream about you last night, but it wasn’t really you, you were an elephant” type of thing.

So the fact that my very real people are showing up every night lately is…different. Different enough to make me think about.

Like I said. I have so much going through my head, but I’ve been silencing it for so long without allowing it to have a voice.

And now it doesn’t seem like a choice anymore. Numbing myself to it and trying to shove it down isn’t working. But I don’t want to hear it. And I don’t want to feel it.

I’m caught halfway in between considering feeling all the feelings, allowing it to happen….and continuing to run from it all and keep everything and everyone at a distance.

My world is complicated. Nothing about it is simple or black and white. And trying to figure out what to do with all of it, how all of the pieces fit together….how I can best function in a life that most people would crumble at the thought of….it’s not a simple task.

I’m fighting alone, and if I want anything to get better, I know I can’t do that.

If I want to feel any kind of good or okay or peace…I think I have to tear the walls down. At least for some people. I can’t fight this fight on my own.

There are too many demons for just me alone to fight. I need to let other people in.

I just don’t know how.