Unexpected storms.

Yesterday morning, as I got in the car at 7:30am to take my son to PT, I was NOT greeted with the Bobby Bones show like I am every other morning.

Instead, the normal radio broadcast was interrupted with livestream weather coverage of active and severe storms in our area.

Storms are common enough where we live that we’re always prepared when we know one is coming, and I always prep in advance. Make sure everything is charged (we always lose power), that the kids will have things to do, that anything outside is put away, that all the animals are taken care of, etc.

Yet for some reason, no one knew yesterday’s storms were coming? It was crazy. Homes were flooded, power lines and trees came down, fires were starting because of downed power lines…it was really crazy. Fully grown trees were uprooted. Buildings being constructed were completely destroyed.

It was not a little bit of damage.

I made it to PT at 8am and it was set to hit our area at 8:15…and it sure did. Everyone in the building was sheltering in place…it was a lot. I hung out there for a while until it was safe enough to drive back home.

As if that wasn’t stressful enough, my dad (who was watching my other 2 boys at home) texted me and said “what’s wrong with Phoenix’s face?”

Um…nothing? He’s beautiful? What are you talking about?

Apparently, his face and eyes had basically swelled shut and was experiencing some kind of severe allergic reaction. Thankfully, his lips were not swollen and his breathing was unaffected, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been. I couldn’t have rushed home to him even if I wanted to, so I was extremely relieved that he was breathing okay.

He’s still pretty swollen today, and he also had (another) massive nosebleed this morning, so who knows. I never know what’s going on with him. And he’ll never complain about anything, so I don’t even know if he’s in pain. Or itchy. Or…like, breathing.

Yesterday felt very symbolic of how life is right now. A lot of random, unexpected emergency-esque situations that I cannot do anything about.

Once again, everything feels extremely touch and go right now. I’m struggling with feeling any kind of secure in my marriage right now, for no other reason than his own mental health isn’t the greatest right now. Whenever we’re anything less than financially secure, his mental health absolutely plummets. It’s predictable and not surprising…but it takes a fucking toll.

I don’t really know how to feel right now, or what to do. I just know that I feel bad.

I want to be more…I don’t know. Happier. More present. Okay. Drink less. A lot less. Feel more secure. Safe. Loved. Hopeful.

All of these things.

Instead, my life is just one big unexpected emergency after the next.

There isn’t joy where there should be. There isn’t hope. Not in any kind of obvious and immediate way, anyway.

I wish I was being heard in the ways that I need to be right now. It feels like we’re in the danger zone in a lot of different ways. In my marriage. My kids health. My own mental health. And physical health. The strength of my relationships.

I need something to be safe.

I don’t need any more fires to put out, or emergencies to handle, or crises to navigate.

Please.