Hiding in silence

I’m ready to be done. I’m asking for help. I’ve said it boldly twice now. To two different people.

I don’t want to drink anymore. It’s killing me.

On the good side nights, on the bad nights.

I’m not the one in control anymore. And I’m ready to stop.

At least for today, that’s my decision.

I’ve been considering it for a few weeks now.

But I’ve said it now. Boldly and directly. Twice.

And I’m a little bit frustrated. Because I don’t feel like I’m being heard. Or taken seriously.

I don’t think I’ve ever boldly stated that I want to be done drinking as directly as I have these past few days.

I texted this to my best friend last night. And it’s true.

Nothing will change. Because nothing ever changes. And because I can’t do it on my own.

————

FUCK.
Nothing has gone wrong tonight. Everything is fine. It’s literally all fine and good.

But yet I can’t fucking stop drinking. And I hate this shit.

I want it to fucking stop. I want to be done.

I’m done with it. It’s controlling me. I have no power over it. I want to be done. And I have no fucking idea how to get there.

Tonight has been nothing less than great. He’s been great. We’ve been great. Nothing is “wrong”.

And still. The need to drink is too great.

It’s controlling the shit out of me. And I don’t know how to get past it.

I don’t know how to make it clear that I’m no longer in control. And I do not like that.

But I also don’t know what to do about it.
I feel like I keep trying to bring it up. To make it known.

Yet here I am, struggling in silence. And it sucks.

Yeah, I can hide it. I can lie. I can absolutely act like it isn’t a thing, isn’t a problem.

But I fucking hate liars.

And I just don’t want to do this anymore.

Yes. I know this isn’t your problem. It’s fine. I’m not expecting anything from you.

But these are my most honest thoughts.

And sometimes, they just fucking need a place to go.