I don’t have depression right now…I am depression. That’s how it feels. Like, this isn’t something that I have. Or that I’m currently feeling.
It’s just what I am.
I am blah. And dead inside. I have nothing to me anymore. No emotions. No good ones anyway.
There’s nothing that sparks joy. Eating makes me feel physically sick. I have no desire to go outside to even hang out with my goats, and now all of the chores and responsibilities associated with them has fallen to my husband.
I’d rather lay in bed.
I don’t know what else to say today. There doesn’t seem to really be a point to anything anymore.
I was struggling… but hopeful. Clinging to the idea of better.
And now I’m just struggling and absolutely hopeless.
No, not the goats!!
You need help, girlfriend. Please seek it. Have Derek take you. Is there a good mental hospital around you?
Hah. No, I just need a few days off honestly. And for things like therapy to not be stupid and leave me fucked up. (Or more ideally, therapy twice a week like I’ve been wanting to happen)
Plus, the people in my life can’t function if I’m not there steering the ship. Hence the no days off.
I don’t like that you’re not prioritizing yourself.
I hope you feel better soon.
That’s why I’m frustrated. Because I know what I need. And I’ve been asking for it and WANTING to feel better. And when I don’t get what I know I need to feel better…yeah. That’s when I just give up.
Who are you asking, though? And why do you need their permission? Must get it… (but don’t steal a car! 😆)
Idk. Just being honest. Or asking my therapist to move to twice a week so we can do emdr or because life has been insane. And because I want to work on not drinking. Or asking Derek to stay home from work so I can just…give myself a break. And self care.
🫂