Sometimes, things happen in life that feel really, really big. And they are big. But over time, it starts to feel less big. And less of a big deal.
I’m sure that will happen with me in this situation as well…but I’m not there yet. Not even close.
I really just didn’t have the emotional capacity yesterday to put how I was feeling into words, but let’s just say…no, therapy did not go well.
I thought it was. I thought it was going fine. And it was, mostly. For like, the first hour, it went fine. I really tried to keep things moving forward in a way that was conflict or…difficult feelings free.
But then hard topics got brought up. And it got really hard for me to push down all of the really intense feelings that I’ve been trying to ignore.
When I got into my car after a pretty brutal psychological battle with myself to just keep it together, I was in a pretty fragile state.
But I held it together. The entire ride home, I kept it together.
And when I got home, I kept it together.
And I continued to hold it together almost all night long.
Until 11pm. And I could not hold it together anymore.
So I wrote out a message to my therapist, reread it multiple times to make sure it was appropriate yet fully articulated my complicated feelings, and sent it.
I think what I wrote pretty much speaks for itself, so I won’t shy away from it, and I’ll share it here. Even if it’s vulnerable and messy and raw.
To be clear, I am putting a lot of words in my therapists mouth. She never said or insinuated that anything I was feeling was wrong or stupid or whatever.
But my feelings about it are real.
I’m feeling really pretty shitty about this whole situation. And I don’t know if that’s being fully appreciated…just how hard for me this has been.
I hate that now 2 sessions in a row have gone badly. And it really wasn’t at all my intention. I mean, obviously. But I really did go in there with every intention of having a good, ending on a good note kind of night.
Last week is the last week there until she moves. So I don’t exactly image next week’s session will be easy peasy either.
I know in the end, it will probably feel less big than it does right now. Right now it’s new and scary and unknown. Next month, maybe it will be okay.
But for today, for this week, it doesn’t feel okay.
Not at all.
