Excitement or anxiety

24 hours from now, if everything goes as planned today and the kids get cleared from their doctor this afternoon…we will finally reveal our super amazing surprise.

My day couldn’t possibly busier today, and I’m absolutely freaking out about how stressed I am. But I suppose it’s the good kind of stress? I don’t know.

Yesterday I was able to go to therapy for an hour in the morning to make up for missing Monday night. I’m glad she was able to see me, even if everything feels really foreign and bad right now. I understand her perspective, but I also have my own thoughts and feelings about the situation and how we can both operate in a way that doesn’t feel just…bad. I understand her thought process. But I also feel like I could get what I need (what I think I need) while she also gives me what she thinks I need.

I don’t know. It’s a frustrating situation but it isn’t impossible and it isn’t terrible and I just have to stick it out and ride the wave and hope that eventually we get to a place where I feel good about it.

Today we are dropping Bobby off for boarded training where we will learn to be a service dog to meet my needs in terms of mobility as well as training to become a certified Therapet. Our vet, who happens to be on the board of Therapet in our area, absolutely LOVES Bobby and is pretty much insisting I get him certified once he finishes his training.

I already wanted him trained to be a service dog for me, so this is such a natural extension of that which I’m super excited for. His training is expensive as hell, and I’m freaking out about money in general, so I really don’t know how I’m going to pull this off. But it’s important, he deserves his best chance at life with everything he’s been through, and this will help him in so many ways. And me. I’ve been trying to get a service dog for years now to help with my mobility issues as well as anxiety/ptsd, and the fact that the perfect dog LITERALLY showed up at my back door is just not something I can ignore.

Today feels like a lot. It’s busy, I have feelings about therapy, I hate that I’m going to be missing next Monday, I feel like I’m failing at just absolutely everything, and I’m overwhelmed.

My body hates me because it fucking wants alcohol. Why is it that I feel worse now? Today is day 6. Every day feels like a year. It isn’t getting easier, but I guess it isn’t supposed to. Or maybe it is. I really don’t know.

Life is stressful right now. And my week coming up will also be incredibly stressful. But I’m hoping it will be worth it.

It has to be worth it.

Even if it’s stressful.