Under pressure

For a Friday, this morning did not start off feeling like it had any kind of Friday vibes. Actually, this morning started out with a whole lotta bullshit.

My sister, aka the actual devil, aka the one who horrifically abused me my entire life growing up, is coming to “visit” today for the next 3 weeks until after Christmas is over.

That that very fact all by itself is enough to make EVERYONE is the household completely on edge.

My mom is yelling at me to clean up (more, better, whatever) to prepare for her arrival or some shit. And just, like, no. I’m sorry. I’m not going to do that. It’s not happening. I won’t be an unnecessary slave, a cog in the machine to appease someone who I really truly despise.

I spent all day yesterday, and this morning today, getting yelled at and berated by my mom (who is also stressed out about my stupid sister coming) for not being good enough or whatever.

I’m just over this day already. And it’s barely only 8am.

This morning I feel filled with every negative feeling imaginable. I feel unworthy, unlovable, not good enough, and like I should just stop bothering to exist.

I had therapy last night, and I had so many feelings and boiling over emotions, instead of talking about any of it, we talked about adoption stuff nearly the entire time. Which, is shocking. I NEVER willingly talk about anything adoption related, yet that was apparently my chosen topic in avoiding everything else I was feeling.

It took me the entire 2 hour session to realize that I was doing that. Avoiding feeling all of the real and hard and ugly feelings and dealt with adoption shit instead….which I’m also currently struggling with.

My birth sons parents wanted me to crochet them their gifts (my birth son and his brother) this year, which I offered to back in JUNE, but my text did not get answered, and yet when I asked again in December what I could do for Christmas, they said to make things.

Okay, I gave myself 6 months to begin with because my hands don’t work properly. I can’t just put hours and hours in every day to get multiple projects done. So I’m stressing. And hurting. And I have 3 half to 3/4 completed projects, and wanted to get a lot more done.

I’m stressed and overwhelmed and I’m just doing my best to succeed. For everyone.

I’m also working on a much larger Pikachu lovey for my birth son, and a few more Minecraft ones because I know both kids are into it.

I have a lot of work to do, and make sure it gets done on time to ship it and arrive by Christmas.

So I don’t have time to have all of these feelings, quite frankly.

This has been a hard week. On top of it all, I had Phoenix home with me for half the week with a sinus infection and ear infection. He’s back in school today thankfully, I hate seeing him down. But he smiles through it anyway. I didn’t mind him being home, but it did certainly change some of my timelines.

I still have not wrapped any Christmas gifts, but to be honest, I barely have anything to wrap at all. This year has been hell for us financially, and there’s just no way for us to be able to give them the Christmas we usually do. Which really freaking sucks. And it’s contributing so much to my current feelings of inferiority this year.

I hate that my sister is coming. I hate that I feel so inadequate for ALL of my kids. And I just wish I could get things done better/faster/had more time.

I’m overwhelmed, and I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and under pressure.

I just wish I could enjoy this time of year instead of dreading it.