Better with time

This morning got off to quite a rocky start.

If you don’t know, my family (husband and 3 kids) share a house with my parents. It’s a big house, it’s a nice house, and there’s plenty of land surrounding it…but it’s just not big enough.

My parents and I, mostly my dad, butt heads. A LOT. He has a lot of opinions, and he isn’t quiet about them. And I usually disagree with them. And sometimes, shit hits the fan, and it all just kind of blows up.

Well, that’s what happened this morning. My oldest son tends to get worked up a bit when things don’t go his way, or he can’t find something, or he’s frustrated or upset about something. I mean, he’s a kid. It’s not unheard of for a kid to have big feelings. I’d say it’s pretty standard and expected.

Well, my dad doesn’t like it when my kids have big feelings, and immediately thinks it’s my fault and blames me for it. Every single time. It’s just a pattern at this point. It is what it is.

But then I get triggered because I know if one of my kids is having (normal) feelings and he’s anywhere around…..he’s going to shit on me about it. So I get anxious and on edge and start shutting down and getting upset internally with my kids because even though they aren’t doing anything wrong, and neither am I, I know he’s going to say something negative to me about it. (This is on me 100%, I know that I do this and I know it isn’t healthy or ideal and I’m actively working on not responding this way.)

Anyway, that’s what happened this morning in a nut shell. My kid couldn’t find something and was frustrated. I was actively helping him look for it, my dad says something shitty to me implying I’m not doing a good enough job and he shouldn’t be upset, then I get upset and don’t want my kid or myself around him. My dad then blows up at me saying how I’m being controlling because I’m not letting my son be with him at the moment.

And while I absolutely didn’t want my son to be with him, it has nothing to do with control and everything to do with the fact that I don’t want my son around someone who will say negative things to and about me IN FRONT OF MY KIDS, when everyone has heightened emotions.

He blew up at me and said some pretty harsh shit. How I’m “screwed up in the head”, how he hates me and wants nothing to do with me, how I’ll never learn, and I’m awful and this and that. It was completely dumbfounding and completely unnecessary.

I was pretty heated. And like physically shaking. No one wants to be talked to like that. I don’t care how old you are.

As much as I’ll sit here and say I don’t care what he thinks about me, it’s just not true. I do care what he thinks about me and it hurts, probably more than anything else in the world, that he has such a negative opinion of me. I remember going to therapy with my dad last year and my therapist at the time being completely SHOCKED at how it went and what he said.

And if you missed that post? Oh, it was an interesting session for sure. I’ll leave it here in case you want to check that one out.

Historically, these kinds of blow ups with my dad leave me feeling a certain kind of out of control anxious and small and just…awful. So I’d take a shot or make a small drink or whatever, even if it was 7am, just to calm the fuck down so I can function enough to be rational.

I’m not going to lie, I was pretty close to doing that this morning. But I didn’t. I waited it out. I didn’t let my in the moment feelings drive me to an action I know I would’ve regretted, and I chose not to let him have that power over me.

I think this is definitely one of those things that has, and will continue to get, better with time. Last year, I wouldn’t have even hesitated. But right now, where I’m at in life, I want to make different choices.

And he doesn’t get to have that power over me. No one does, but especially not him when he’s blinded by…whatever it is that he’s blinded by.

My life isn’t ideal and my living situation isn’t ideal, but it is what it is, and some days are just bad.

Today was a bad one.

But it doesn’t have to affect me and the way I go about the rest of my day. Small minded people will always stay small minded when it comes to their opinions of others.

I just have to not let it get to me. And keep working on bettering myself because that’s what I deserve, and that’s what my kids deserve.

Things aren’t perfect. They never will be.

But I can at least keep trying, and keep getting better with time.