I can’t help but feeling and thinking about just how vastly different things are now than how they were even just 5-6 months ago.
Last night, I had therapy. Not with my therapist who I’ve had for literally the past 10 years straight of my life…but with someone extremely new, when you’re measuring it to that scale.
I met my new therapist a few months ago. In late October, early November. And I’ve been seeing her (more or less) weekly ever since.
I had to miss a week the week before last because of money, and that honestly sucked. A lot. More than I’d care to admit. But I was able to go last Thursday, and then again last night.
A few conversations I’ve had with my friends about therapy recently have stood out. And maybe, it’s those conversations you have about it in the moments when you’re not quite so in it that speak to the most honesty.
This was a text I sent my best friend last Friday after my Thursday night appointment when she asked how it went –
Therapy went well, I really do feel like she knows and understands me on a completely different level. It’s so weird starting over but it’s starting to feel like things make a lot more sense now and I do feel like she maybe kind of does genuinely care about me. Or is starting to, anyway. I don’t feel like I necessarily have to hide or mask or downplay certain parts of myself anymore with her, and that’s honestly really freeing.
Knowing that I felt like that and said it in a text really does speak volumes to how I’m beginning to feel about this situation, and my new therapist in particular.
Another friend asked me about how last night went, and this was my response to her.
She’s definitely felt like a safe place the past 2 weeks really kind of more so than in the past, and I’m appreciating the progression of the therapeutic relationship…but there’s also a certain grief and comparison that comes with it that I can’t explain. We’re talking about a few months vs 10 literal years.
I had a dream about my old therapist last night that was super triggering and hurtful and it was rough today because of it.
Like it was actually her in my dream. Her face and everything was accurately represented. And she said how she was sorry and missed me and realized it was messed up what happened and wanted to start seeing me again. And I agreed and it was great, but I also told her I had another therapist now and I’d continue seeing her as well.
But like even in my dream, I included my new therapist as someone who was important enough to keep around…if that makes sense
It felt important to mention the dream because even with my dream representation of my old therapist, I still felt connected enough or like my new therapist was important enough to keep around, even with the dream option of everything going back to the way it was.
Again, it just all felt very telling.
I am appreciative of where I am right now in therapy. I think it has been really helpful, and having her perspective and her insight on things has made a huge difference.
I mean, shit. Even just operating under an entirely new diagnosis of autism (in addition to what we already knew, ADHD, cptsd, anxiety, etc.), it’s been game changing in me even beginning to try to understand or relearn myself.
I have a lot more work to do. That much we all know.
But I feel…like maybe…just MAYBE…I’m in the place I need to be to do the right work. Because I haven’t even had the opportunity to do the right work for all of these years.
Maybe this is really the first chance I’ve had.
I hope so, anyway.
I really just want to fucking feel okay for once.
And I’m trying to trust the process.
