I’ve tried to be…stable at best…when it comes to alcohol lately.
And for the most part, I’ve succeeded.
Keeping it stable. Not increasing. Not allowing the negative emotions or demons or life circumstances to influence my nighttime decision making process.
And honestly, the past few months or so? I’ve been killing it.
But.
But.
Something shifted recently. Last week, the week before…sometime around there.
And I started losing control.
My “normal” has significantly increased. My old “normal” feels like absolutely nothing. Like…the thought of it isn’t even worth pursuing. It just isn’t enough.
So, there enters the more.
And I hate it.
I hate so much how I can clearly see and feel the control being stripped away.
I am struggling.
The beast is getting bigger.
Its voice is getting louder.
And I can feel myself slowly but surely losing my own strength and giving in, succumbing to the voices that have no business existing inside of my head.
I am beginning to lose the battle.
I’ve fought this fight before.
And I know just how fast and quick to end it can be.
I usually lose.
And we head down a real dark and dangerous path if we can’t fight our way to the top.
I’m one stubborn ass bitch. And I do not like to lose.
But I also know that I’m struggling to say no to my biggest demon right now.
I feel lost and hopeless, and honestly, just ever so slightly defeated.
I don’t want to lose.
I feel the tides turning. The beast awakening. And my most honest intentions becoming muted.
Every day, the desire gets less and less. I resist, and I avoid until later and later in the night.
But it’s such a losing battle.
The more I resist initially, the more I give in and fall apart as the night goes on.
I am such a broken person.
I’m trying so fucking hard. I promise, I am.
But I’m failing faster and harder than my ability to keep up.
The darkness is taking over the hope. The light. The intention.
And I hate it.
This isn’t what I want for myself.
But it’s like…however hard I try to fight it….I’m going to fail at least twice as hard.
And I don’t know how to gain any ground.
Maybe, I just can’t do it.
Maybe, I just need to give up.
