Can’t change what I can’t change

I’m in a phase of life where things are just…really freaking hard.

It’s a lot of stress and frustrations and things I simply cannot control. No matter how much I try, or I might want to.

Mother’s Day yesterday was rough, but…it was fine. I was sick with a cold, we spent just about all day door dashing. We all went out together in the morning, but my husband dropped me and the kids off at home early afternoon so we could be out of the car for a bit. We went out again later afternoon we put the kids to sleep, and didn’t get home until after 9:30pm where I pretty much immediately went to sleep.

We did spend some time playing outside, and Atlas was particularly cute copying his oldest brother and how he plays with a baseball bat.

The worst part of my day yesterday wasn’t being sick. Or that we worked for most of it. Or anything like that.

It was the fact that I didn’t hear from my birth son’s parents.

I hear from them on Mother’s Day usually every year, but there’s definitely been a few where I haven’t.

However, I ALWAYS hear from them on his birthday, which is on April 4th. This year, they did not next me back or anything on his birthday. So I was sure I’d AT LEAST hear from them yesterday for Mother’s Day! To be clear, my birth son is raised by 2 dads, so I’m the only mom they has to think about when it comes to biological or adoptive families. I don’t think I’ve ever divulged that fact before, but it felt relevant.

My heart hurts, and I feel so unworthy and insignificant. I just don’t understand why they feel like they can be so blasé with my feelings. They see how consistent I am…I’ve never missed a birthday or a Christmas, have always sent gift and letters to him and his brother, and just…I don’t know. It’s hurtful.

But I can’t change any of it. I don’t have control. I don’t have a say or a choice or a voice. It sucks. But it is what it is.

I hate that we’re working our assess off and still so far behind. And I hate feeling like I’m complaining about it all.

I’m honestly just so burnt out, and nothing ever seems like it’s getting better.

I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow, because honestly, I feel like I’m starting to fall apart.

Like I said, it is what it is. I can’t change so many parts of life that are so frustrating. I can just accept it.

So that’s what I’m trying to do. Accept things for what they are, and keep going for as long as I can. No matter how hard and messy it gets.