The old me is making a strong push to become the new me, once again.
I don’t know how I feel about it.
Well, that’s not true. I do know how I feel about it. But I feel very differently about it, depending on what time of day I were to ask myself.
I recognize myself more now than I have in months.
Simultaneously, I don’t seem to recognize myself anymore.
I’ve done this before. 9+ months sober at a time. By choice, yes…but also by force, in a way.
This time, it’s been completely by choice. No force.
I’ve had a good few months. A decision led to sobriety. That’s all there is to it.
I decided to do it. I did it. And I suffered. A lot. The withdrawals were fucked up. And I never want to go through that again.
So…why am I here?
Now at 4 days in a row??!
What am I doing?!
Like I said.
I recognize myself soooo much. I see myself. And while that may sound weird, I’ve been this version of me for a greater portion of my life than ive been a sober version of me.
I don’t know exactly what triggered it. If anything did at all, or if it was just bound to happen anyway. It seemed to come out of nowhere.
I’m not giving up, nor am I giving in. I’m not commuting to the old, or newest me.
I think everything is just really hard right now.
And honestly? Alcohol works. It does.
It solves the problems I need it to solve. (Until it doesn’t. Until it creates its own problems.)
And I hate that I feel like I can only feel true happiness when I drink. Like I can relax. Breathe. Feel.
I know it isn’t quite true. I need to learn how to feel those same feelings while sober. Which…feels impossible.
I feel like me again.
But maybe……maybe that’s wrong.
Maybe I need to change the core of who I am. Of what feels like “me”.
I can do better.
I can grow.
And I don’t need to be stuck in the same place that I don’t want to be in.
Different versions of myself can exist. And they can be good. Or even better.
But not if I don’t allow them to exist.
I need to allow them to exist.
