Keep trying, keep going, keep fighting

For as different as things have been feeling lately…I think things are finally starting to fall into place a little bit. 

The out of the ordinary is starting to feel ordinary, the things not normally part of my day are starting to feel like a normal part of every day now, and the weird is starting to feel less weird. 

I’m not sure how much of it is good, if it is just me adjusting and falling into a new sense of normal, even if it feels weird….or if it’s more a sense of complacency and forced acceptance now of just…what is. 

I guess either way, it can be looked at as a good thing. I mean, there’s no sense in resisting the things that are seemingly here to stay. 

Being alone is not something I enjoy or seek out. Spending my nights with my husband after my impossibly long days are something I look forward to, and honestly need, each night. But lately, most nights my husband is working extra hours just trying to keep our heads above water. 

So that leaves me home alone, unsure of what I should do, let alone what I want to do. I honestly don’t want to do anything, and I know that’s part of the problem. I don’t have anything that captivates or fulfills me like I do when I’m spending time with my husband. 

Finding my own show to get into, or something that I’m looking forward to doing or watching by myself would be game changing here. 

But I also don’t want to necessarily commit to finding joy or happiness or something to look forward to by myself. I don’t know, it’s just complicated for me. And I know I’d be begged off allowing myself to have something like that, but I honestly just don’t even know what that something would be. 

Yesterday was a really rough day. I spent nearly all of it feeling overstimulated and overwhelmed, while telling Derek how much I need a freaking BREAK. So, that was fun. 

I walked into therapy just full of negative emotions and ready to explode. I did feel better after I left, but I feel like I spent nearly the entire 2 hours venting. And just…letting all of my frustrations that have been building up out. 

On another note…I do have 3 days sober under my belt again. I had a rough 2 weeks or so, where I definitely drank more nights than I should’ve…but I’m back on track, and it honestly does feel good to be able to say that. 

Sobriety is a bitch, but it’s something I want for myself. So I need to keep trying, even when it gets hard. 

I wish so badly my financial situation was better. And it makes it even worse when my dad, who doesn’t seem to care how hard we’re working or trying to get ourselves back on top, keeps raising our rent and other expenses. Getting texts like this constantly is triggering as hell, but if you know anything about my dad, you know he doesn’t give a shit.

Like, why? They’re over here going on vacation after vacation, living the life they want to live, which is great for them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not upset about it. But to keep on raising rent and bills for me unnecessarily is just….that’s the part I find to be fucked up. 

We literally can’t possibly work any more hours in the day we’re already working, and even with the few extra hundred dollars a week, it’s not enough. 

It’s frustrating, infuriating, and I’m so sick of it. The strain on our mental health because of it is horrible. 

But it is what it is. 

I’m sick of being constantly triggered by the hell hole of a situation we can’t get out of, largely in part because of extremely unnecessary bullshit like this. 

Adding me onto my husband’s insurance at work was the final blow for why we can’t stay ahead. I hate being the reason things are so bad. It’s just…it doesn’t seem worth it. 

These are the reasons my thoughts get so dark. Fucking texts like these. 

When I wrote the first half of this post, I was feeling hopeful and trying to start the day off strongly and positively. And then shit like that happens. 

I wish it wasn’t so….hurtful, frustrating, triggering, making me feel like a failure…but it is.

And there’s nothing I can do about it.