Avoidance leads to unnecessary repetition of conflict

This morning did not have the start to it that I hoped it would.

My husband and I got in the same stupid fight that we do nearly every morning, and it’s just so unnecessary and avoidable. Is it a big deal? No. It really isn’t. But it pisses me off that we do this nearly every day over the stupidest shit.

Spoiler alert – the dumb shit we can’t agree with has to do with the kids breakfast every morning. A role and responsibility that’s been MINE every day for the past 5 years, but he’s recently taken over. And I do not like the change.

And since we’re both now overly sensitive about the topic, we both probably overreact to it. And it set my entire morning off to a bad start. It’s not even 8am yet, and I’m letting the most petty, dumb shit, affect me.

And honestly, it’s just stupid. We should both be at the point where we’re able to recover quickly from these small, basic disagreements. Yet still, I hold a grudge about it. And I’ll probably hold that grudge until I feel like he “makes it right” with me…whatever that means, whatever that feels like.

On Tuesday in therapy, we were going over a worksheet I filled out 6 months ago on self defeating behaviors. One of those headlines was “avoidance”. How I avoid hard things, change the subject, anything to get out of dealing with certain hard things within relationships.

We planned on my husband coming to therapy next Tuesday to work on this, and to address and communicate some of the things we’ve both been avoiding. I even joked with my therapist that “I bet you anything that the topic of breakfast will come up”.

And I keep getting pissed off at my husband because he knows what he’s doing is upsetting me, and he does it anyway. Then he gets mad at ME when I say something and bring it to him that I’m upset!!!

Like, I’m not allowed to voice the fact that I’m upset about the thing he does that upsets me nearly EVERY morning, because once I voice it, it’s somehow my fault? I become the problem? Because I “lay into him every morning”.

Umm…okay? So don’t fucking piss me off every morning with the thing you know will upset me, and then I won’t say anything to you???!!

Guys, it’s stupid. It really is. It really is just SO stupid.

But the fact that we’re NOT communicating about this, and the fact that it happens probably half of the days of the week…it’s infuriating.

I’m not blameless here. Not at all. I don’t like change, I don’t like giving up control, and I don’t like accepting help. ESPECIALLY when it comes to the kids. I don’t know how to delegate tasks and accept help.

But I feel like if we just freaking communicated effectively about this very specific topic, we wouldn’t run into this issue, and we could avoid this argument.

My therapist said I was rigid…and she’s certainly not wrong. I know I have flaws, and I know I’m not entirely blameless here.

My husband and I are fine, and I’m not actually mad at him, or feeling and type of long term negative way. I’m just frustrated, and I don’t like wasting my time on negative emotions that are just so unnecessary to begin with.

I’m glad he’s coming to therapy with me next week, because it genuinely does help us when he comes, and we address things.

But in the meantime…we really just need to be better at communicating about the little things.

And I NEED to be better at accepting help. Because I know that’s all it is. He’s trying to help, and he loves his kids.

I’m lucky to have him, and I know I need to be more grateful. I’m just feeling frustrated and overwhelmed today, and sometimes it doesn’t come across nicely.

He left for work now, and everything is fine and good with us. He left loving me, and that’s all I can ask for.

I guess it just boils down to better communication, and me being less “rigid”.

And I think both of those things are something we can easily work on. We just might need a little guidance to get there.

14 thoughts on “Avoidance leads to unnecessary repetition of conflict”

  1. This absolutely sounds familiar! I really do wonder why married couples don’t seem to find a common ground, especially when the home and kids are involved. I say this because it’s been more like broken record for me and my wife for more than a decade of being married. But the interesting thing is: it doesn’t actually take away the beauty and fun of being married to each other.

    1. Exactly! I still love being married to him, and our relationship is otherwise very solid, but sometimes the most basic, unnecessary things cause conflict. It’s always the same little things, like I can count on them to happen. Maybe that’s just marriage sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️

  2. “I feel like if we just freaking communicated effectively about this very specific topic, we wouldn’t run into this issue, and we could avoid this argument.” – Now here’s a question, does communicating effectively in this context mean him doing things the way you want him to?

    1. …..yes 😓
      I just want “help” to mean “do things exactly the way I would do them”. Like I said…I know I’m not blameless 😬

      1. I think it’s probably not doing them any harm, I just think it’s unnecessary and might lead to bad habits. But it could just be that I don’t like it because it’s different than I do it. I think he has a tendency to go overboard, and that tendency needs to be reined in. He needs help with understanding moderation, and as long as he has that, I guess I can let him do it his way…I just don’t love it.

  3. I hope you two can talk about this and find a solution that suits the both of you. If it’s not harming the kids in the way your husband do it, it may be time to realize we all do things differently and doing it in another way doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s bad.
    It’s something I come across a lot. I do things differently due to my autistic brain functioning differently. And I’ve been told many times I’m doing things wrong… I get the same results, sometimes even better. But people are so used doing things their way, they can’t see there’s different ways to do things right. 😊
    Not trying to talk you down. But may be something to wonder about. If it’s not bad for the kids, maybe accept your husband’s help and look the other way when he does it his way? 😊 If it does harm them, then I get being upset. But he doesn’t strike me as someone who’d want to harm the kids (or you) in any way.
    Have a fabulous day 🌸.

    1. I don’t think it’s hurting them as much as could potentially lead to bad/unhealthy habits. But it’s not necessarily wrong. And I know that I have a very strong tendency to not want to give up control, and to just want things done exactly the way I’d do them. Trust me, I know that thinking is wrong, and my therapist calls me out on it quite a bit 😂
      I know different isn’t bad, and usually I’m much less rigid, but when it comes to the kids, I sometimes feel like that’s “my” domain and don’t want to share responsibility…which is silly.
      This morning went much better though, that’s that’s good! 😊

      1. I totally get it, I want to be in control a lot too, because then I get to do it all my way and I would not have to wait to see if someone else does it in my way… So I totally get it. And I didn’t mean anything bad with it. 😊 I hope you understood that. I’m glad it went better this morning. And I hope you and the hubby can meet in te middle? So you both get your way, a bit, and make the kids happy together. 😊 Have a lovely weekend! Hope you get some relaxing me-time. 🌸

      2. Then I’d say you’re very welcome! I’m always afraid I come across like a know it all when trying to share my view or opinion on something. So I wanted to check if I’d done right by you. And I’m glad I did. This is also a learning curve for me. So thank you. 😊
        Have a great weekend dear!

  4. Ah… the dig-in. It’s a common theme in my marriage as well; mostly because I married someone as goddam stubborn as I am (a man less stubborn would not fare well in a relationship with me, LOL).

    In situations such as these, I try to remember that Mitchell feels exactly the same way I do — he feels he’s right; and that if I were willing to give a little — and do things his way — things would go more smoothly; and we wouldn’t have to experience the same fight over and over again. And since I feel the same, we experience the same fight over and over again. (Irony at its best!)

    Marriage is hard. The more years you rack up together, the more resentments you tend to accumulate (which often results in fighting over the same hurts and slights, time and time again.) You also learn how to better push one another’s buttons. The flip side of that is that you also learn to forgive more quickly, and (in my case) have the security of knowing that there are fewer things that will make you fear the other is going to abandon the relationship.

    1. While my 3 year old is a match for my stubbornness…my husband definitely is not lol. I’m used to getting my way with very little effort because he gives in. Which I don’t like, and I tell him not to do that…but when he does hold his own, I guess I don’t like it either. He usually just avoids conflict, which isn’t good either.
      We’ve definitely been better at forgiving each other more quickly, and the fights are much less volatile than in the past…which I’m very grateful for.
      We just need to do better at communicating about these types of things…

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