Who am I?

In April 2011, when I was 16 years old, I created a blog. It grew rather large, and the first post was titled “who am I?” It only felt right, 10 years and 2 months later, to begin in similar fashion. Who I was then vs. who I am now is both very much the same, and shockingly different. 10 years ago, I was a 16 year old in high school, struggling with an overwhelming amount of stressors and obstacles. I battled depression, anxiety, PTSD, numerous abusive relationships and situations, a tumultuous (at best) home life, and countless health issues.

Here in 2021, a lot of things look the same. I’m still dealing with the demons of my past, still fighting with my own health issues, and still battling a seemingly ridiculous amount of life obstacles. I’m 26 now. I’m married. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary this past February. He is (mostly) the partner I envisioned living my life with. We have 2 sons together, a 4 year old and a 2 year old, and they are literally the cutest things ever.

I’ve come a long way in 10 years, though, admittedly, not as far as I’d have hoped. Things may sound like they’re going well, but then again doesn’t it always sound good on the surface?

So, really then, who am I? Does anyone really know who they are? I guess some people do. It’s honestly a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the years. I guess it boils down to this, I’m a person, I’m a little broken, but I’m working on it.

I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I’m a special needs mom. (I’m angry about that). I’m a little bit broken and battling my demons. I’m a fighter. I’m alive. I am freaking strong.

I have many more “I am’s” then that. But we’ll get there. 10 years ago, my blog turned into an amazing community of support at a time when I had none, but desperately needed it. Writing has always been an outlet for me. Writing to an “audience” has a much different feel and tone. I write with a much more positive and inspiring spin then when I write alone in journals. I’m excited to see where my brain and hands take me, what words come out on the screen. I am a lot of things, but I’m very rarely my most authentic self. I hope to find that version of me again, my best, truest and most authentic self. (With much less cringeworthy grammatical errors!)

Honestly, I thought my life would be looking much differently today than it does. I thought I’d be happier, more healed, less stuck, and living my “happily ever after”. The truth is, I’m proud of where I am and all I’ve overcome. But I have a lot of work to do. I am not the best version of myself that I can be. But there is pride in taking action, working on myself, and knowing that I am doing everything I can to fight for my boys and myself. I hope this blog is something of an inspiration, a source of hope, whatever, to somebody out there. Even if that’s just my future self. Maybe I’ll be back here in 10 years rereading this and admiring once again all I’ve made it through.

My life is not easy. It’s in fact, shockingly difficult and painful. Everyone has pain in their lives. Let’s just freaking do this thing.

Life goes on. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t stop when you’re hurting. When you’ve lost someone, when you’re anticipating losing someone, when the world is spinning so fast and you can’t breathe, life just goes on. It doesn’t stop. We grow, we heal, we need to move with it. I’m trying. It would be too easy to give up now. So I’ll keep fighting. I’ll keep telling my story, keep throwing something out there in the world to see if it sticks.

I guess thats it. That’s a tiny part of who I am. I’m working on it. Let the journey begin. Because life really does go on. No matter what.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: