The name of my first blog was “The fight for my life”. That’s really what it was at the time, I was fighting for myself. For a reason to exist, to push through all of the pain (physical and emotional) that I was going through. That blog detailed my journey of all that I was going through at that time; depression, anxiety, PTSD, multiple abusive situations, traumatic events, etc. Much of the time, I still feel the same way, like I really am in a battle for my life.
Life is hard, guys. So, freaking hard. It takes all of me to just keep going sometimes. I always used to say that one of the reasons I kept going, the thing pushing me to get past all of the pain and hurt that I was going through, was the pin sized light I saw at the end of the tunnel. I could imagine a better future, a better version of the world for me. Sure, there would still be pain and trials, but certainly none of the abuse, none of the horrific, tumultuous, terrifying family life, it would just be what I created for myself.
That light at the end of the tunnel for me was the idea of having my own family. It’s all I really ever wanted. I had (and still have) so much love to give, and I just couldn’t wait until I finally had that family of my own that I’d always envisioned. It honestly was the thing that kept me going, just the thought of a possible better future.
I’m July 2015, just shy of 6 years ago, I met my (now) husband. I met him after a series of recent, horrible and life altering events. I was at yet another low point in my life, and meeting him when I did truly saved both of us. (Makes sense that “Bless this broken road” by the Rascal Flats was our first dance song.) We got engaged in December, just 5 months after we met, and had our wedding 2 months later in February (yes, it was incredibly stressful to plan a wedding that fast!). I was sure then, and I’m sure now. He is my rock and one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
We have had 2 boys since then, a 4 year old and 2 year old. Again, it really sounds like I’ve gotten exactly everything I’ve asked for, right? Well….yes…but no. See, this perfect little family we’ve created, is anything but perfect.
I’ve mentioned my own health struggles here once or twice, but really it’s more than that. Turns out the 11? 12? (something like that) surgeries I’ve had up until this point is more than just shit luck. My 2 boys and I share an extremely rare, an essentially never diagnosed before rare, genetic disorder. The children before them who have had this not lived past the age of 13, with the majority not living past 8 years old. I’ll go into more detail with this later, but for now…
My husband, my boys, they are absolutely my something to live for. Something to fight for, to breathe for, to push on for.
But damn…if this hasn’t caused me some of the worst pain yet. It’s almost a big F YOU from the universe. Like “okay, we’ll give you what you wanted, but not really!” Come on now. Watching my boys, (myself even) suffer, struggle, unable to physically keep up, not knowing how long I’ll even have them for, that alone is unbearable.
The pain hasn’t stopped, it’s only grown. Feeling the pain in a new way, through new eyes, through “mom eyes”, sometimes it does feel like it’s too much.
I found my something to fight for. They are absolutely worth it. But don’t for a second think that this doesn’t cause as much pain as nearly anything else I’ve been through, and trust me, I’ve been through a laughable amount in my 26 years. It is enough to make me question my own strength. Some days, I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with all of this. Why I HAVE to deal with all of this.
It’s hard. Nothing about my life is, or ever will be, easy. I’ll keep fighting, for now, for them. I’ll share more details about all of this to come, but just know that for now, I’m fighting. Every day. Every day is a choice to wake up and keep going. Tomorrow I’ll choose the same. And hopefully the day after that as well.
I hope you fight too.