What does it mean to trust?

Really…what does it mean? What does it look like when one trusts someone, or is able to be vulnerable?

How can I overcome this massive blockade?

I don’t have much experience with healthy relationships. My marriage is one, my therapist is another, some solid friendships here and there.

And still, even in those, my comfort is in dysfunction. I’m comfortable in chaos. Chaos is my experience. It’s my childhood. It makes sense.

Trust? Openness? Vulnerability? Pain? How do I do it? I fucking want to, but I don’t understand it.

I want to be able to cry in front of someone. Shit, I just want to at least be able to cry without alcohol in my system.

I have so much pain. I feel everything, all of the time.

Yet, at the same time, I feel nothing. I block myself from looking at it, from feeling it, from acknowledging it. Let alone talking about it.

I’m still learning about healthy. I’m learning about safe. How long will it take me to finally feel safe, finally accept love for what it is? 5 years? 6? 10? How long until I believe the people who claim to love me and be there for me? My closest friend has been with me and stood by me for something like 19 years now. Since first grade, guys. Do I trust her yet? Do I really believe that that relationship is secure, is safe?

I don’t. That’s the problem. Nothing in my life has ever been stable or safe. Not when you grew up how I did. Not when you grow up in constant turmoil and abuse.

I want the better. I want the healthy. I want to fucking understand what that even looks like. Why is it so terrifying? I just want to accept love, I want to trust. It feels so foreign.

Where do I even begin?

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