When there’s “nothing wrong”

It’s just typical day in the world of special needs parenting. Wake up, breakfast, naps, therapy. Tuesday is OT (occupational therapy) day.

Everyone is in a decent enough mood. No fires to put out (except for the literal mini fire in the toaster at 6am, thanks husband). But I still have this heaviness within me.

The constant demands of our schedule, hours of therapy every single day for both boys. Physical therapy, OT, speech…let alone my own therapy. There’s no time for anything but what the structure of our days have become. The strain is heavy.

The day hasn’t been “bad”. But that doesn’t change what our life is. There’s no time for me. There’s no time for me to practice self care, engage in my own mental wellbeing, or slow down and take care of myself.

I won’t lie, a lot of the days I just don’t want want to do this anymore. I don’t want this life. Haven’t I paid the price in terms of pain and trauma with my past, haven’t I paid my dues? It sure feels like I have. It feels like I’ve suffered enough and I just don’t deserve this in my present and in my future. Honestly, I’m angry about a lot of this. This isn’t what I envisioned for my future. It certainly isn’t the life I planned for myself. But I guess it’s true what they say about “planning”.

It’s almost like the easy days are harder. Maybe it’s because there’s more time for my mind to wander, less tunnel visioned in task and more time to just…be. My toddler fell asleep easily, my 4 year old is eagerly entertaining himself with his toys. Every moms “dream” morning, or at least an easier version of one. It should be a time I can appreciate, but the heaviness, the pain, the sadness, the anxieties, it all comes to a head.

Maybe it’s because I had therapy last night, but I doubt that plays any significant role. I’m so exhausted from this life sometimes and all I want to do is give up.

But I can’t. I have to keep fighting, I have to keep pushing through. I owe it to my boys to never give up on myself.

All of my days are uniquely hard, and it honestly just sucks sometimes. Okay, most of the time. There’s little time I can just sit back and enjoy them, enjoy this time with them.

I want ease, to just feel like I can breathe some days and not be so damn confined to or endless schedule of therapies and doctor appointments.

I never want to have to wake my 2 year old up from a nap ever again in order to leave on time for therapy.

Like now. We have to leave in 30 minutes and he is still asleep. I’ll have to go in and wake him up shortly.

It’s a typical day. Nothing is wrong.

Except that everything is.

This is all so wrong.

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