He took the boys out this morning. I should be grateful, and I am. Finally, a moment of peace for the first time this week. A chance to catch my breath and just breathe, exist in the stillness.

But it doesn’t feel good. It feels lonely. It feels isolating. These quiet moments are exactly what I ask for. They are a gift.

Why don’t they feel good enough? Why do I feel alone, when all I want is a few minutes to myself?

Is it guilt? Is it the disdain of being alone with myself? Or is it the fear of being trapped with the thoughts running constantly through my head? I’d bet it’s all of them.

I miss being needed and I don’t want to be alone with myself. I can’t find the peacefulness I’m looking for externally because peace doesn’t exist internally.

How can I possibly be searching for peace and stillness when there is so much internal unrest and turmoil?

Maybe it’s just that I’m not comfortable with happiness, or that I just don’t know how to be.

I keep searching for a feeling that I’m not sure I’ll ever find.

Happiness…peace…serenity. What a concept.

I hope I find what I’m looking for one day.

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