Misery in mornings

I’m upset this morning and I don’t know why. Tears are close to flowing, a rarity for me.

There is no reason to be upset. It was a good morning. My husband even woke up a half hour earlier than usual so our morning coffee time together could be longer before we get the kids.

I have no reason to be upset.

Except my son did just get a wheelchair. It’s currently staring me in the face.

And I might be in denial about something that happened over the weekend. It definitely brought back the nightmares.

I haven’t slept in days.

I’m drinking more when I’m supposed to be drinking less.

I feel alone, isolated and used. I don’t know where to put all of this. It’d be too easy to turn it all into anger. Or to pull back from the world and isolate myself, a typical response.

My job is to smile and act like I’m fine. I’m the strong one. I’m the glue.

Nothing is wrong, because nothing can be wrong. There is no one to pick up the pieces if I fall apart.

These are the mornings I just wish I had somebody, someone to help me hold the weight of the world for just a minute, just until I catch my breath. But I don’t, so I guess it’s time to pull it together.

After all, I have no reason to be upset anyway.

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