Rougher than expected

The return “home” was harsher than I hoped. We got home just after my boys were in bed, but not yet asleep. We went in to say hello and goodnight, give them big hugs and all that, but it wasn’t that easy. My 4 year old took it in stride, was happy to see us and was quick to tell us that he was expecting his “many gifts” in the morning. In fact, he asked us to leave the suitcase in the kitchen so that when he wakes up, he can go in it and look to see everything we brought home for him. He’s a funny kid.

My 2 year old…we may have scarred him a tad. He wouldn’t let me leave the room, he wanted me to stay and “watch him sleep”, just all the very clingy things you’d expect from a 2 and a half year old when a parent first returns from a trip. I expected it, but maybe not to the degree that he was presenting with. Actually, it’s 10:30pm now and he’s still awake. Laying in his bed, but definitely not fully asleep. It’s been hours. The adjustment will be rough and I’m expecting tomorrow to be very difficult.

Once again, as I expected, I feel like shit. I’m not going to sugar coat it or look at it through rose tinted glasses. I pretty much wanted to throw in the towel 2 hours after I got home. The mental and emotional exhaustion is unfortunately insistently present, and I just can’t ignore it.

Tonight is rough, tomorrow will absolutely be a very difficult adjustment day for all of us, but I just don’t feel good. I don’t feel strong, and honestly, I don’t always see the point in why I have to.

I can’t explain it. Today went exactly how I expected it to, but maybe that’s why it’s frustrating. The moment I step back into my reality, I just feel horrible all over again. It’s almost like a taste of “happy”, a taste of peace or whatever you want to call it…it’s almost painful.

“Here’s what your life could be, here are some feelings you’ll likely never feel again!” I don’t know. It’s hard.

I think a lot of it is that I felt rather safe in Disney. I didn’t feel like anything bad could or would happen to me. But here…I feel anything but safe. I live unfortunately close to the very thing, the person who makes me feel unsafe.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better, I don’t know. I just know that as of right now, my thoughts are too deep and dark for comfort. They’re actually quite a bit darker than normal, which honestly does scare me a bit.

I guess I feel like now that this trip is over, that’s kind of it for me. There’s nothing else to look forward to, no break in the near (or far) future, just nothing good or positive to hope for. Just therapies and appointments and fear and anxiety…it sucks.

I’ll be fine. I’m sure tomorrow will be okay. It has to be. As I say…

“I’m always fine.”

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