I don’t know the word to fill in the blank. I don’t think it’s gremlins, I don’t think it’s monsters. Maybe animals? But I am definitely living a life of chaos right now. Parents out there…you hear me, right?
Man. We all have those periods of time where it just feels like every single day is such a massive struggle. Everything is a battle, everything is a problem or not good enough or just not working… I’m going through a phase like that right now. Ever since I got back from vacation a month ago, it feels like every single day is just torture.
I feel bad saying it, but lately there are few moments that I’ve truly just enjoyed being with my kids. To be fair, they have had a rough month as well. Between me and my husband going away and then their therapy clinic flooding and not being able to leave the house to actually go to therapy, their schedule has been drastically different. And these boys absolutely live and breathe a schedule and routined life. This was our first week back in our “normal” routine of therapies and appointments (which in it of itself isn’t a normal life), but we’re still struggling to find our footing again it seems.
My kids (who both have winter birthdays) are about to be 5 and 3. For a few weeks I’ve been considering that these are just tough ages? That of course it’s been a rough few weeks, but it will pass.
Ok. I’m being generous and filtering myself. Let me try again.
Sometime I feel like my kids are insane and I love them more than anything, but I just want to run away.
My husband gets home from work after the kids are in bed. So it’s me alone with them all day every day. And sometimes it is SO mentally (and physically) exhausting. I love my boys. I love them so much that I (desperately) want another one right now. But some weeks can feel like nails on a chalkboard all day long.
I struggle a lot with feelings of guilt. I think all parents do sometimes, but it feels magnified in times like this. Both of my kids have muscular dystrophy and likely aren’t facing your average lifespan. So I feel incredibly guilty not enjoying every moment. I feel guilty counting down the milliseconds until bedtime. I feel guilty dreading the mornings because I know it’s about to start all over again.
It’s like, how dare I feel anything less than gratitude and thankful for every minute I get with the, because we just don’t know how long they have? We don’t know how long anyone has. Anything could happen at any given moment, and that’s just life. But when you’re a parent and you’re going into it knowing there is something “wrong” with your child (children), it makes me feel horrible to ever feel anything less than positive.
But that just isn’t human. No parent is expected to be perfectly happy or content and full of sunshine and rainbows every day. Please. Show me that parent and I’ll show you what’s really behind her eyes.
I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to convince myself that it’s okay. That it’s okay to have tough weeks, okay to feel tired and depleted and maybe even a little bit resentful sometimes. It’s all normal and I know I’m not a terrible person for feeling this way sometimes, even if it feels like I am. This will pass, it always does.
But for now, let’s just say I’m glad it’s Friday.