What if

What if it just stopped? All the pain, all the anger, all the unfairness…what if it just went away?

Lately I look around and despite how hard I’m trying, all I can see is darkness and pain. I’m frustrated and hurt. Nothing is really “wrong”, except that it is. I can’t feel loved, despite being told that I am. I feel cold and broken and empty. It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle some days.

I woke up in a mostly good mood this morning. My husband and I woke up a bit earlier than usual and had more time in the morning for coffee and together time before we had to start our day. Then I had therapy pretty much right after that, first thing in the morning, and despite the typical anxiety that comes with that…it was all pretty fine. I even forced myself to be upbeat and positive on the drive home from therapy. I was actually pretty successful with it, too.

But then I got home. And it’s like as soon as I stepped back into the doors to my real life, all the negative feelings just flooded right back in and consumed me once again. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking and exhausting. I feel like a freaking prisoner in my own life and I just want to escape it.

What would it be like if these feelings just didn’t exist? What could life actually look like, feel like? I don’t know how to combat this anymore. I’m honestly just so frustrated and hurt by it all…I don’t know where to go from here.

This isn’t caused by any one thing. It didn’t happen overnight. This is a culmination of a bunch of shit piling on more and more throughout the years.

What would it be like to wake up one morning and just feel…good? What does a world without anxiety and pain even look like? Does anyone live that way, or is that just a fantasy?

No one deserves to live with so much heaviness and pain. Life isn’t meant to be quite this impossible….at least I don’t think so.

Short of sitting in therapy for hours and just breaking down and baring my soul instead of my very typical cover it with sarcasm and a smile…I don’t know what else to do here anymore.

But I’m beginning to feel just a little too broken for comfort.

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