Tonight is an absolute shit show, where I’m sure I’ve made mistakes. All I want to do is give up. All I want to do is listen to the demons and the voices in my head telling my my life isn’t worth it.
That all I cause is pain and burden and problems.
That voice is loud. It’s so fucking loud. I want it to stop but it doesn’t.
Maybe another drink will quiet it.
Shit, it’s louder now.
Now it’s really telling me I’m worthless.
I can’t win this war of words. This internal battle of pain.
There is no winner in the war against myself.
Still I want to quit. I want to be done. I want to silence the voices.
Alcohol makes them louder. Pain makes them louder.
Love silences the voices. Or at least mutes them temporarily.
But where is love when I need it? Where is it when the voices get too loud? When all I can hear is gunfire and turmoil in my own head? I wish the voices were kinder. I wish they were more reasonable.
“I can sleep with love or alcohol, but not neither.”
My most famous quote. An unfortunately true one, at that.
Today turns to tomorrow, once again.
And once again, I find myself questioning whether my eyes will open. I didn’t get the “love”.
So is this the end? Does alcohol and pain and the war within my head win? Maybe. Maybe very, very soon.
I’m at my most vulnerable now. Tonight’s discussion was nothing less than utterly vulnerable and painful. Enough to make me feel completely broken.
I’ll live to see tomorrow. I’ll make it through the pain tonight.
But just because I’m living doesn’t mean I’m alive.
I’m as broken as a person can get.
At least my eyes still open.
I’ll wake up and regret this night. Regret this feeling, regret these words.
But only because I don’t feel worthy of feeling.
This is how I feel.
Just because sober me is a liar doesn’t make these words invalid. My pain isn’t going anywhere. Just because I numb myself doesn’t mean it’s nonexistent.
Shit. I wish the world would just stop spinning.
I wish I could close my eyes and not see such chaos. Fuck these nightmares.
The nightmares both awake and asleep.
I can’t escape the horror.
It’s torturing me.