I owe you an apology. Probably more than one. While you have certainly had your share of flaws and missteps along the way…this post is not about that.
This past year…really the past 2 years now…have been the ugliest of my life. They’ve been brutal. You’ve seen the worst of me, you’ve picked me up off the ground (literally) more than once, and you’ve somehow not given up on me yet.
You’ve stayed awake with me later than you wanted to, and you’ve woken up with me earlier than you wanted to so that we can share a few quiet moments together before we start our day. I know this. I see it. And I appreciate it
Things have undoubtedly been better between us lately…but my haunted memories are always there. The fear of things going that badly again…well…I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t there.
Honestly, I don’t know why we are still here….together. And seemingly strong. Maybe it’s all those painfully awkward therapy sessions we’ve spent together that my therapist doesn’t always think help..but maybe they do more than she realizes? I’d say so, anyway.
It is no secret that for the past year or 2 I’ve been actively suicidal more often than not….and I’m sorry for that too. As a spouse..that’s probably hard to deal with.
And I am SO sorry for all of the times during the past year or 2 that you’ve accidentally discovered cuts or burns on me…despite my best and desperate efforts to hide them from you. (That led to some hella awkward emergency therapy sessions together.)
You have not been my priority over the past few years. As much as I’ll say and scream into the universe that you absolutely are and have been, I’m not sure how completely honest that would be.
I have chosen alcohol over you…over most things…for a long time now. Too long. I say I put you first, I act like I do…and I honestly, genuinely try to. But alcohol has always been there. It’s been a 3rd party in our marriage, getting an increasingly bigger vote, for too long now.
I know it’s wrong, and I’ll admit that fault any day of the week.
And I’m sorry…actually, genuinely and painfully sorry… but I am just not ready to live in a world where alcohol doesn’t take up at least a third of the vote in our marriage. It’s a part of me. It’s engulfed me. I thought I was ready to really work on leaving it behind…but recent events have demanded otherwise.
I’m sorry for that night that I should have died. Honestly, there are a few…but that one in particular, you know the one. That should have been my rock bottom. My wake up call. To say that I’m lucky to be alive right now is a massive understatement.
You’ve witnessed me fucking up my own life, so many new self injury marks that I’ve always lied about and always will…you’ve witnessed me getting alcohol poisoning…Having seizures because of it. Being so massively fucked up that I just have no idea what even happened when I wake up the next morning….
You’ve not been a perfect spouse. You’ve rarely met my emotional needs or been open and up front with communication. And it’s left me feeling so lost and hurt and alone.
But that doesn’t matter. None of your behaviors excuse mine.
What I thought I was doing only to myself, I know I was doing to you too. And there will never be any amount of sorry that I have to convey that enough.
You’re sitting next to me right now in bed as I’m writing this. It’s actually been a good night. I wish I could share this with you, but I can’t. You might not actually feel as badly about all of this as I do. And it isn’t your burden to bare. Not again.
But what I want you to know is that…I’m just so incredibly sorry.
All I wanted to do was hurt myself. Or avoid pain at all costs…which usually in turn ended up hurting me. My intentions were to hurt or numb myself. Not you.
But it’s selfish and foolish to think that any self destructiveness and pain on my end has had no impact on you. On us.
You’ve seen the worst of me, and yet you love me anyway. You have put up with me and my demons for this long, and still you make me feel like I somehow deserve to take up a spot on this earth.
I have to say…while the past few years have absolutely been trash in every sense of the world… can I tell you that honestly…they’ve also been my favorite? The past 2 years…raising our two kids and especially our (almost) 3 year old… Shit. That boy has done something special for me. For all of us. And I wouldn’t trade these years for anything.
So…again. I’m sorry . For all of the above and more. I know I’m not all bad, and this post highlights all of my worst moments, because that is how I see myself. I know you don’t see me that way. You see me in much better light. Where all I see is a walking disaster…you see someone worth loving. You see a great mom, a loving wife, and maybe a slightly broken person with a dark sense of humor.
I will never understand why you love me. But I hope you always will.
I love you and I love us. And I’m glad I can look on the past few years and feel that things are better and we are stronger. I’m still a hot mess…but we are figuring it out more together than we had been.
I wish I deserved your love, or anyones love, really. But I’m glad it exists. Even if I don’t deserve it.
Your Broken Wife