I am living a story where I believe in hope for others, but not for myself. I’ve never believed in myself, or that a better ending is even possible for me.
This week, I’ve been challenged. I’ve been asked to write as of hope is possible for me, as if I believe in better for myself. Not just everyone else.
Tonight, that’s difficult to do. I don’t want to be fake about it. I don’t want to force it.
But, maybe in acknowledging that very fact, that in it of itself…the acknowledgment of pain and all that that means….maybe that’s okay too.
Having hope, fighting for yourself, acknowledging that things are hard now, but that doesn’t mean they always will be….I don’t think that means I’m failing.
I wasn’t asked to write as if my life is all sunshine and rainbows, I was asked to write as if I don’t think it’s bullshit for change to occur…. That hope is an implicit impossibly.
I don’t think that by acknowledging the pain and the struggle, that I’m failing. Having hope, believing in better, for yourself and anyone else, it doesn’t imply ignorance.
Of course I’m still going to have bad days, bad nights…bad moments and seconds that seem impossible to get through.
But denying yourself of the possibility to change….of hope for a better tomorrow….
It doesn’t mean discounting your pain of today.
Yes, things hurt right now. And things are extremely difficult. Hoping for better, fighting for yourself and your future, and all that that means for you….it doesn’t take away from the pain of today.
No one is saying your pain isn’t valid or real. No one is saying that you don’t deserve to feel the way you do.
But you also deserve the feel the possibility of hope.
Things hurt. And that’s okay.
But things can also feel better.
And that’s okay, too.