Mostly dark, but a little grey

I’m in a weird place right now, and I’ll be the first one to admit it.

There are a lot of moments throughout my day where I feel completely awful. Where I want to give up, throw it all away, and just stop. It all feels very dark.

But then, rarely, but occasionally…there are moments where I’ll just feel very okay. I don’t want to die, things aren’t 100% awful, and it’s all just….okay. Not quite as dark.

While things feel quite dark the majority of the time…I know it could be worse. I know those tiny moments of light are not worth nothing.

Unfortunately, those moments of light usually come when I’m drinking. Does that mean they’re false? Does that mean my addiction is growing stronger and consuming me more? I don’t know. It feels wrong, and it feels…dirty? But it also feels…..necessary.

I know drinking doesn’t make me happy. But it does make my emotions easier to access. And I think that very fact…the fact that I’m actually able to access my emotions and communicate them…I think I have a tendency to confuse that vulnerability and honesty for light.

My life is extremely difficult right now. Between the horrific lack of sleep and the constant, around the clock demands of my kids, I’m completely burnt out.

There is a large part of me that feels hopeless. That wants to give up and that is consumed completely by pain and desperation. But it isn’t 100% of the time.

And those tiny little moments….the moments where it feels just a little bit okay…whether it’s at therapy, or late at night after everyone is in bed, or early in the morning when I’m drinking my cup of coffee…those are the moments I cling to.

Today feels mostly dark. But maybe I can catch a smile from a little tiny baby, and just hold onto that moment of light.

9 thoughts on “Mostly dark, but a little grey”

  1. You know, I used to drink when I was writing, because it helped me to access my emotions. I can access my emotions now, but I am not sure how I got there. Working through shame and making peace with my past and imperfections, is my best guess.

    1. Yes, I love writing when I’m drinking because it feels so natural and easy and real. It’s like it’s the only time I can be honest with myself. I definitely need to learn how to do that sober because it’s absolutely holding me back.
      I’m glad you were able to work through it! Yeah I can see how working through my trauma and making peace with the past would be helpful. I’ve been trying to for a long time, but I guess I just need to keep working at it.

      1. Doing the 12 steps has helped me enough, but it took a long time for me to be in the right headspace to do them. They can easily turn harmful if your brain is going down that rabbit hole. You’re making progress. Healing takes time

      2. Thank you. I would like to believe that even though I’m drinking, I’m still trying to head in the right direction. I really am trying.
        Reading your posts has me a lot more intrigued about the 12 steps. It is something I want to accomplish one day. But you’re right, I probably need to be more ready.

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