Strength. What is is? Where does it come from?
How can I find some?
Tomorrow, I have therapy. And I’ll have to somehow find the strength to talk about the most impossible topic. I haven’t written about it yet, for some pretty obvious reasons…..but I will soon.
This is one of the rare things that falls under the category of “therapy first, writing about it later”. Usually, writing about it first helps. But this is a hard situation I find myself in, and the words don’t seem to exist.
I don’t know how to do it.
I’m lucky enough to be able to have 2 hours tomorrow. 2 hours to sit with it, to summon up the strengths and courage…and the time to work through it.
And that’s assuming that I don’t fuck it up and shut down immediately. Which is…an incredibly real possibility.
I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to talk about the things that make me feel the most unsafe.
It’s easy to talk about the things that don’t hurt. It’s easy to give up and shut down.
I don’t want to do that.
Is that all it takes? Some strength and some courage…and maybe a little alcohol?
Why are these things just so hard to say? How do I do it?
I swear…I’ve been at this for so long. It’s almost embarrassing that I’m not better at it. That I still manage to fuck up having these incredibly vulnerable and real conversations all these years later.
Maybe that makes me weak. Or maybe just a fuck up.
How do you say the words that you’ve spent so long avoiding?
How do the hard things get dealt with, when all you know how to do is run????
I wish I was strong enough to walk in there and just say “HEY. Here’s what’s up. This shit is ridiculous, so buckle up for a ride through Fucked Up Town”.
It’s a topic I can’t joke my way out of. Or, well, I probably could…but it would be fake, and she’d probably not let me do it anyway.
It’s just intense..and it feels like too much.
I don’t like pain. I don’t like confronting pain, and being forced to deal with it. Tomorrows conversation would illicit all of that….and it’s terrifying.
Strength. It’s something I need, it’s something I lack.
It’s the difference between survival and destruction.
I just feel like I can’t do it.
I’m not worth her time. I’m not worth anyones time. I shouldn’t even bother.
I’m not strong enough.
Why even bother…I’m sure I’ll just mess it up anyway.
This is all his fucking fault anyway.
Someone please tell me how to do this.