I reject the pain.
I reject the past, and the promise of the pain that the future holds.
I don’t want any of this. I’m not even sure what I do want…but I sure do know what I don’t want.
Pain. What does that even mean? Can it be more than just subjective? Could anyone ever possibly understand us? Understand what we mean, what we feel?
And for that matter….can I? Can I ever fully understand myself?
I’ve been at this for 27 years. And I still have no idea what I’m up against.
I create pain because I fear it. At least then, it’s within my control. No one is hurting me but me.
It’s the safest way. No one can hurt me if I hurt myself first.
You can’t take something from me if I’ve taken if from myself first.
You can’t get rid of me if I’ve pushed you away first.
Can you see my pain yet? Does it mean nothing unless it’s physical? Unless it’s spelled out in front of you, to which then you probably react to it with disgust? Or avoidance? Or maybe even just ignorance?
Have you ever felt that way? Like your pain was just so completely misunderstood?
All you’ve done is try, all you’ve done is show up. And be honest and genuine and….you.
Yet all you’re met with is rejection. Misunderstanding.
But it’s not their fault…it’s yours. Right????