I feel like I’m losing my voice. I’m struggling with what to say, what to write, or even what to feel.
I feel so broken and useless. I’m pushing people away and shutting down. It’s the worst place to be in.
I hate this feeling..the feeling of losing my voice and my identity. The only thing I know how to do in situations like this is to force the issue. Keep writing even though I don’t know what to say.
I’m so stuck in my head. It’s like I’m going through the motions of the world without actually being present. I’m so numb and emotionally shut down and withdrawn.
I had therapy last night and it went really well. I mean I was awkward as shit, but no one expected anything less than that when certain topics get brought up. But overall it was productive and helpful. I have so much serious shit to work through and it feels impossible. Like I’m too broken to ever be helped. But I left there feeling better, less alone and hopeless, and with something to work on. She asked the hard (for me) questions that honestly desperately need to be addressed, but I can’t ever talk about with some serious prompting.
But I still went home and shut down. I felt so alone even though I wasn’t, and my husband was probably trying to love me… but I was just upset and hurting and feeling so dead inside. Yesterday, January 18th holds significant weight for me personally, so it was pretty much guaranteed to be a difficult day anyway.
I feel awful right now. Like, seriously horrible. I want to lay on the floor in the dark and just give up.
I need the emotional equivalent of a heavy blanket for my soul. Maybe they just call that a hug, I don’t know.
I want to give up, and I hate that I’m having such a hard time finding the words for it all right now. I don’t know how to fix this or get out of it.
All I know is that I feel so broken. I feel like I’m trapped in a hole thats 1,000 feet deep, and I’m being offered a 10 foot rope. Hopeless.
I wish this wasn’t my life. I wish there weren’t so many things that I need to “heal” from. It doesn’t seem fair.
I just need love.
I’m sorry that I suck.