I’m can’t win, therefore I lose.
Everything is twisted and dirty and cold.
I want to drink it away. Nothing makes sense without the promise of alcohol.
I give up.
Universe, you win.
The knowledge of the future is clear: but if drink this drink I might forget it.
I’ll wake up and find the pain that I’ve been running from.
But what’s greater? Numbing the emotional pain? Running from it, only to have it catch up with me later?
Or, is it feeling the pain in the moment? Allowing myself to feel….whatever that feels like, whatever that means……..?
I’d rather drink it away.
I’m sure I’ve fucked it up anyway.
I’m a battle that’s not worth fighting. I hate myself. I’m so fucking useless.
Pain of the future vs. pain of the now…
There’s no winner. There is no right. I’m wrong for trying to chose a side.
I just lose.
I’m the loser.
Why am I pretending otherwise?
Why do I fight, why do I try, why do I pretend?
I’m living in a world where I’m just not worth it.
I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.
I never meant to hurt you, too.
You’re right. I give up. I just miss you way too much.
I guess this is my goodnight.
((good night, little one……I’ll miss you always……))
I’m so sorry.