When I went to therapy on Friday it was definitely….productive. Even though it was only an hour (as opposed to 2 hours which they often are), we got a little bit done.
A few months ago, we tried doing EMDR to get through some of my trauma and to help with drinking less and all of that. But it did NOT go well.
I struggle a lot with vulnerability in general, and actually letting my brain go where it’s going without trying to control it is…a challenge to say the least.
I haven’t talked about this in great detail yet, but my husband and I have officially decided to try to have another baby. I’ve been off birth control for a few weeks now, and we know, given my history, that it very likely won’t take take a very long time for me to actually get pregnant. Like, I honestly would not be surprised at all if it happened this month.
Obviously….the drinking thing is massively concerning for me. Not that I would ever drink while pregnant, (I’ve done this 3 times now, there’s no worry there)…but the emotional aspect of it is….terrifying.
Having to suddenly and immediately be sober, possibly having withdrawals for those first few brutal days..then the hormones on top of it…..
It’s very likely to be a shit show. Thats why trying to do the work now, before I have to. Before I’m forced to.
So that brings me back to therapy. A few months ago, we were going to try to do EMDR specifically to reduce drinking…an addiction protocol. And, again, I sucked at it. Just letting my brain go where it wants to go…ugh. Seriously, I don’t know how anyone does it.
But I brought it up again last week, knowing what is likely going to come up for me, and she agreed that we should try it again. So, tomorrow…I guess that means we’ll be starting that again..?
I don’t know why its so terrifying and hard for me. It shouldn’t be a big deal, and it should be this hard. But for some reason it seems like the most impossible thing in the world. The only thing I know how to do is avoid. I know how to run and how to look away. If it can be shoved into a box, it will be.
Actually having to…unpack these boxes, and having to stare at them? And all that they mean and represent? Shit. I’m genuinely afraid that it’s going to fuck me up.
I know I need to do it. And I know it needs to be now. I can’t keep putting it off. But it just creates so much anxiety within me, and I don’t know how to push through that to be successful at it. Every time I try, I unintentionally redirect or shut down.
Everything thats happening right now, that could be happening in the very near future, is absolutely terrifying.
I’m actually drinking more in anticipation of drinking less. I keep coming back to the thought of “I might only have 2 weeks left. My body might only be my own for another 2 weeks.”
Despite everything in the world screaming that having another baby is a terrible idea…despite it terrifying me and having me second guess myself…I know that it’s the better choice. Deciding to try to get pregnant is the better choice here. It is.
We can talk about getetics all day long, but I’m always going to come back to my second son. “If we knew the diagnosis after my older son, would we not have had our younger son? Can you even IMAGINE our life without him?”
Fucked up genetics or not….these kids are amazing.
For me, the choice comes down to alcohol vs pregnancy. Death vs life. Continue to destroy myself physically and emotionally, or make the choice to change and grow (literally, hah). Stay where you are, or move forward. Even if its fucking terrifying.
The choice seems easy. But it wasn’t. I’ve chosen something over alcohol. For the first time in nearly 3 years…I’ve chosen something over alcohol. And now I’m on a clock to get there.
I might only have 2 weeks left.
And I am so, so scared.