Tonight, I have therapy. A usually much welcomed and needed part to my week, suddenly is causing something much stronger than anxiety within me.
When I last went on Friday…things did not end well. Much the opposite of my intentions, things went wrong, and it ended on a really hurtful note which made me feel every kind of horrible.
Every day since then has pretty much been filled with something that feels like anxiety, fear and self hatred.
I feel like the only ground I know to be stable is now crumbling out from under me, and frankly, it fucking sucks.
What I desperately need, and want, more than anything, is to walk in there tonight, have the issue be immediately addressed (by her) to the point where it’s a non issue. That the things she said she wanted to do came from a place of misunderstanding, and things can stay status quo, schedule wise.
What she isn’t wrong about is that things could be more productive. Which is exactly what I attempted to explain, but I don’t believe that’s how it was received.
She voiced concern over the schedule, wanting to move from twice a week to just once a week, because she said that what we were doing wasn’t working and wanted to try something else. But going less, decreasing the frequency…that’s the absolute worst case scenario for me. It’s the opposite of what I need, when what I want is to do more. Work harder.
This all happened on Friday within 5 minutes of me leaving. So it was a lot, all at once, and then that’s it. I went home feeling like absolute shit with no resolution or grounding. It was brutal. And if felt horrific about it since.
Not only that, but life continues to happen all around me. Shocking, I know.
I don’t want to go in to therapy tonight talking about therapy. Frankly, I hate that more than anything. Talking about our “relationship” (or whatever you call it when you want to believe someone cares but question it in the depths of your soul) is brutal for me.
It’s a weird feeling for me, because being someplace I’m unwanted is like…a fate worse than death. But I also know it’s something I need. So going in there and asking for things to be the same, at twice a week, when she’s already voiced that she no longer wants me…it’s….it fucking sucks.
I’m not strong enough to deal with a bad outcome from tonight on top of everything else going on.
I wish so, so much that I could just walk in, have this issue be painlessly resolved in 5 minutes, and spend the rest of the 2 hours I’m lucky enough to have talking about hard shit and actually feeling something…better.
I have a lot of heavy things going on right now, and I’ve written about a few of them, but a few others are rather new and extremely raw. I just need things to be okay again. What I feel is nothing short of, I don’t know, tragic? Sometimes the right words escape me, but I know I don’t feel okay.
And the last thing I need is to lose the only thing that feels safe or okay or…hopeful.
If there’s any force out there that influences good things to happen….I sure hope that it’s on my side tonight.
Because I am really, genuinely afraid of what happens if it’s not. It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
I wonder if she knows how much this actually all means to me…