I don’t have anything poetic or productive to say today other than how I feel.
I’m still feeling pretty crappy from the other day. The weight of the world has caught up to me, I guess. And I’m just feeling rather alone and broken.
I literally feel heavy. Like even the most simple tasks are putting too much of a strain on my body. I just feel so sad and empty.
If there’s one thing that’s abundantly obvious about me, it’s that I thrive with consistency and reliability. I have therapy twice a week, typically, on Tuesdays and Fridays. And, without fail, every time, 24 hours before my appointment time I get the “reminder text”. It’s always the same, always 24 hours before. Sometimes 5 minutes after the hour, but never later than 15 minutes.
It’s currently 45 minutes past the hour, and today, there has been no such text.
There’s never been a time where I haven’t gotten “the text”.
Normally, I don’t think I’d be bothered by this, as long as I checked the schedule and saw that yes, I did actually have something scheduled for tomorrow and it’s not a day she’s out of the office.
But this time…coming off of a session a few days ago where it just……where I really felt like my presence truly and wholly was just not wanted, and like all I am is a complete disaster of a human being who should probably just…go away? It just hits differently today.
Did she cancel? Is she going to cancel? Is this her way of giving up on me, of telling me that she’s done with me?
I’m laughing at myself right now because I know exactly what she would tell me to do with that line of questioning.
Yes, there are about a thousand different tech/network errors that most likely account for this. Yet, still, even knowing that, it feels shitty.
The hour is nearly up. And there’s been no text. I could laugh at the irony of the timing.
Maybe it’s some kind of fucked up sign. Maybe I should just give up. On myself and everything else.
It’s just telling me what I’ve known all alone.
I’m not good enough, I’m not wanted, I’m not needed.
The hour is up, and nothing.
It’s not a big deal. It’s not a sign, and it doesn’t mean anything.
So then why does it feel like it means so much?