6 years ago today, I married my best friend. Last year we started the tradition of going “away” for our anniversary to celebrate.
Really, all that consists of is staying in a hotel 20 minutes from our house, but hey. It’s a kidless weekend, and that’s the best kind of weekend that there is.
Overall, it was a pretty great weekend. We left Friday night and are back home now, so a good 2 nights away. We didn’t do much other than enjoy each other and the peace of having stillness and quiet…without kids. But it was nice.
Any time we’re able to find those moments to reconnect and find the stillness that life occasionally has to offer, it’s a great thing. Our lives are SO busy and chaotic, and finding the intentional time for one another is one of the most important things to me.
Yet, still, despite us having a pretty good weekend, I still have this overwhelming sadness consuming me. As soon as we got home and our “trip” was over, life started again. And honestly, my life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Obviously.
While things are great with us, I feel like they’re not good with me. Meaning, I just don’t feel my best right now. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted…I think I’d need a month away to feel better in those ways…I’m just spent.
I feel so behind in my life. Not in milestones, just in….I feel like I can’t reach anything. Like there’s SO much I need to do and get done…but I just can’t. It seems too out of reach. Too far. Too hard.
I always feel a sense of…impending doom? on Sunday nights. Like, Monday is just RIGHT THERE. And I so wish it weren’t.
The cycle starts all over. The stresses, the anxieties, the triggers…it always starts over again. It never truly ends. I guess it can’t.
My anxiety for all to come, and all I have to deal with, is taking over any feeling that I have right now.
What will tomorrow be like? Will be kids be in a good mood? (please please please say yes)
Will therapy be okay? Will things ever go back to normal? (Even though I swear I have no idea why things got so weird)
Will I actually accomplish any of the 5 thousand things on my list that need to get done? (And will I be okay with it if they don’t?)
There’s always just so much. There’s so much that when I actually do get a break, some dedicated time for nothingness, the snap back to reality is all the more brutal.
Honestly, I don’t always know how to make my life work. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay in the ways I want to be. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with disappointing those that I care about, or being the cause for stress, or anything else that’s less than good.
My life is chaos. It’s brutal, and it’s nonstop, and it’s fucking painful.
But I need my people.
The only thing that makes my life slightly tolerable is when my people are my people.
This weekend was another reminder of the very thing that I know so well already:
When my relationships are good, I can handle basically anything. But when any of the important relationships in my life are…unsteady? Missing? Empty? Distant? Questionable? Shaky? Anything like that…I start to crumble, and the ground that I walk on seems to slip out from under me.
Another Sunday night, quickly leading into a Monday. I’m not ready for it, I never am.
But that never seems to stop the Mondays from coming.