Let’s talk about AA

Now, as someone who lives with a considerable amount of anxiety, especially social anxiety, the idea of willingly walking into a brand new group of people, of which I know none of, alone…I mean, it’s the definition of terrifying.

I deal with anxiety by drinking. Shit, I deal with everything by drinking. Hence the need for something like AA, I suppose.

As of this morning, I have 39 days sober. That’s a loooong time for me, and it’s something that I think is supposed(?) to be getting easier? Maybe?

But it’s not. Every day, the cycle is the same. The cravings set in, I count down the seconds until I can drink again, and it’s just not good.

The only reason I’m sober right now is because I’m pregnant. Because I have to be. But as soon as I’m not? As soon as that’s no longer the case? Well, shit. I’ve been down this road 3 times before. And it always ends the same. With alcohol use coming back stronger and harder and more fierce than ever. With this most recent stretch being…abysmal. Where I went days at a time without seeing a sober hour.

If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself, it’s that I’m not equipped to handle things alone.
As much as I push people away and act like I don’t need anyone, and never reach out or open up to anyone at all, ever… I really can’t do this on my own.

It’s sort of like I need people to force themselves onto me. I always just feel like I’m bothering people with my “problems”, so I just don’t. I like helping, I like giving. Not the other way around.

I hate the idea of AA. A group of strangers in a potentially religious setting telling me every way in which I’ve fucked up my life because I drink. Drank. Whatever.

Yet, as much as I detest the idea of it, and every single aspect of a group full of strangers with a propensity towards bad decisions like yours truly over here…there’s a teeny tiny part of me that wants something like that.

I have a group of birth mom friends (women who have also placed a child for adoption). We meet up yearly, and it’s my absolute favorite (and most emotionally draining) weekend of the year.

But maybe it’s like that. Having a specific group of people that just fucking get it. That get how hard it is.

I don’t think what I want is really “an AA meeting”. I still think that’s kind of shit. And it terrifies me. But I do need a solid support system. And I…just don’t have that right now.

I push people away and I don’t let anyone in. I don’t open up to anyone. (Except you guys. You guys rock. Truly.)

I don’t know if AA is right for me. I really don’t think it is. But at the same tine, I don’t know what is right for me. What I do need.
I’m having a tough time right now, and the only reason for my success is because the circumstances absolutely require it.

But I want to set myself up for success. I don’t want to fall so hard and relapse again once the baby is born and I’m not breastfeeding.

I don’t know how to be successful when I don’t have to be. I’ve never been successful before at any time other than by necessity. By being pregnant.

I know I will fail if things don’t change. Because I’m already counting on it. I’m already counting down the time left until I can.
But that isn’t what I want for myself.

I know I need to do better…I want to do better.
But I just don’t know how to get there.

12 thoughts on “Let’s talk about AA”

  1. I feel bad not writing much in your comments. (You’ve read some of my posts. I’m not sure if anyone wants me commenting on their blogs) You said 39 days. Every moment of every day you make decisions. How many decisions did you make today? How many millions of moments and decisions in 39 days? That’s pretty fucking good, right? I think so.

    1. You’re right, that’s a whole lot of time I’ve had to stick to making those decisions. Thanks you.
      I love when you comment! It makes me feel like I’m not just talking to myself on here 🙃

  2. 39 days…excellent!!!! If you ever want to just listen in on a recovery meeting it is very spiritual, healing and compassionate. NO RELIGION even though gods mentioned it’s not religious at alll❤️❤️👍I can give you zoom links if you are ever interested. Please take care of you and baby 💜🙏💜

    1. Thank you!!! It has been a looong and painful journey so far 😂 but worth it.
      It’s like, AA is this strange and foreign concept to me. It terrifies me, but I also think it could possibly be super helpful at the same time. I tend to thrive in small supportive communities…but it just seems so…idk. Scary.

      1. Ha ha – only scary in our minds ❤️I will give you two different zoom links that are both meetings that run all day long 24/7 so you can go on anytime and listen you don’t even have to turn on your video.
        AA -meeting ID number is 2923712604 no password
        NA – 558544927 password 247247

        Enjoy!!!! And just listen ❤️💜❤️

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