Now, as someone who lives with a considerable amount of anxiety, especially social anxiety, the idea of willingly walking into a brand new group of people, of which I know none of, alone…I mean, it’s the definition of terrifying.
I deal with anxiety by drinking. Shit, I deal with everything by drinking. Hence the need for something like AA, I suppose.
As of this morning, I have 39 days sober. That’s a loooong time for me, and it’s something that I think is supposed(?) to be getting easier? Maybe?
But it’s not. Every day, the cycle is the same. The cravings set in, I count down the seconds until I can drink again, and it’s just not good.
The only reason I’m sober right now is because I’m pregnant. Because I have to be. But as soon as I’m not? As soon as that’s no longer the case? Well, shit. I’ve been down this road 3 times before. And it always ends the same. With alcohol use coming back stronger and harder and more fierce than ever. With this most recent stretch being…abysmal. Where I went days at a time without seeing a sober hour.
If there’s anything I’ve learned about myself, it’s that I’m not equipped to handle things alone.
As much as I push people away and act like I don’t need anyone, and never reach out or open up to anyone at all, ever… I really can’t do this on my own.
It’s sort of like I need people to force themselves onto me. I always just feel like I’m bothering people with my “problems”, so I just don’t. I like helping, I like giving. Not the other way around.
I hate the idea of AA. A group of strangers in a potentially religious setting telling me every way in which I’ve fucked up my life because I drink. Drank. Whatever.
Yet, as much as I detest the idea of it, and every single aspect of a group full of strangers with a propensity towards bad decisions like yours truly over here…there’s a teeny tiny part of me that wants something like that.
I have a group of birth mom friends (women who have also placed a child for adoption). We meet up yearly, and it’s my absolute favorite (and most emotionally draining) weekend of the year.
But maybe it’s like that. Having a specific group of people that just fucking get it. That get how hard it is.
I don’t think what I want is really “an AA meeting”. I still think that’s kind of shit. And it terrifies me. But I do need a solid support system. And I…just don’t have that right now.
I push people away and I don’t let anyone in. I don’t open up to anyone. (Except you guys. You guys rock. Truly.)
I don’t know if AA is right for me. I really don’t think it is. But at the same tine, I don’t know what is right for me. What I do need.
I’m having a tough time right now, and the only reason for my success is because the circumstances absolutely require it.
But I want to set myself up for success. I don’t want to fall so hard and relapse again once the baby is born and I’m not breastfeeding.
I don’t know how to be successful when I don’t have to be. I’ve never been successful before at any time other than by necessity. By being pregnant.
I know I will fail if things don’t change. Because I’m already counting on it. I’m already counting down the time left until I can.
But that isn’t what I want for myself.
I know I need to do better…I want to do better.
But I just don’t know how to get there.