Does being pregnant give me a pass for being a little bit more emotional lately? Yes? Okay, good. Let’s get started then.
I have therapy tonight, for the first time in over a week due to spring break. Usually, I have therapy twice a week. On Tuesday’s and Friday’s. I hate breaks. It’s never good when I go back, no matter how long or short the break is. It always seems like the next session goes horribly wrong. I’m already anticipating that happening tonight and feeling some major anxiety about it.
Things have been feeling rather…unsteady in my life lately. I feel like everything is on shaky ground, and I’m just feeling incredibly insecure.
Luckily, she assigned me a pretty hefty homework assignment last week, so maybe that will help bridge the gap of awkwardness for me. She told me to write a case study on myself, which I did. I had to include my background, medical history, psych history, medication history, work/education history, strengths, analysis for current struggles, goals, and other related things.
So…about 8 pages later…that assignment is nearly complete. It was hard to write and took a lot out of me emotionally to have to think about all of that again.
Honestly, I’m just glad I’ll have something tangible to give to her when I get there so that my anxiety isn’t just off the charts and it ends up going horrible wrong.
But, here’s the thing. I said my case study is nearly complete. And it is.
But…I’m struggling with a few sections. Strengths, obviously, is incredibly difficult for me to write. I don’t agree with writing strengths about myself, I just feel like I don’t have any worth mentioning.
The other section I’m struggling with is goals. I never know what my goals are, or what they should be, or how to put it. I actually haven’t even started that section yet…I’m just stuck on it.
I want to do my best, I want to go there with a complete assignment, and not just bring it half assed and incomplete because it was too hard.
But these fucking goals. (I should mention, I’m not allowed to write it with sarcasm 😛). I just can’t think of any worth writing. Yeah, I mean, obviously, my goals are to be a normal, functioning human being who isn’t a complete fuck up and loser, but that might fall under the category of “sarcasm”.
And I could say something along the lines of “being able to have sex with my husband sober and not being completely retraumatized (a lovely side effect of a long term history with sexual assault (not by my husband))…but come on. These goals should be realistic and attainable. And plus, if I write that, I’ll have to talk about it. And that just seems…like something I don’t want to do.
Maybe a goal is just to learn vulnerability. Learn how to talk about the hard shit that I desperately avoid. Learning how to grieve…learning how to feel.
Maybe that’s where we start.
I don’t know.
I’m just so nervous about fucking things up. I don’t want to come home hating myself even more, but I know I likely will.
I want things to be okay and good. My husband offered to come tonight. He’s been wanting to come to therapy with me, and honestly, he have a bit to talk about. Nothing bad, mostly the thing that happened the other week when we told me “family” that I’m pregnant. Ya know, that whole shit show.
But with my sons birthday just days away, I don’t want to focus on anything else but that right now.
Maybe things will be fine. Maybe they’ll all just be okay. I’m going to hope so, anyway…
Hey. At least I have some more I can write in my case study. If nothing else, at least I have that.
Ugh. I’m nervous. And I hate this.
I hate me.