I’m not going to do it.
But I really, really, fucking want to. I need to drink. It’s a need, it really is. It’s more than a want.
I’m triggered, I’m hurting, and I want it to stop. I want the only thing that will make it better. People have a drink on occasion while pregnant all the time. Come on. You know it’s true.
I’m not saying it’s right, and I’m not saying that I am going to.
But you know it’s true. Even doctors are okay with it in extreme moderation or on a special occasion.
I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, which is reason enough not to.
This shit is impossible. It’s fucking impossible.
There are things I just don’t know how to talk about, and the thing that’s currently triggering me is one of them.
As open and as honest as I am on here when I’m writing, sometimes it still feels too vulnerable to talk about the things that destroy me. I just don’t know how to.
I’m hurting, I’m losing, and I want a drink. Just one. Just to feel better.
But it won’t make me feel better, one drink never does. And I would never do that, I would never make those wrong choices.
There’s no point. It won’t help, it will make me feel worse, and make me feel guilty and horrible.
I won’t do it, even though I want to. So, so, fucking badly.
I just don’t know what else there is to do to feel okay anymore.