All the wrong reasons

I’m not going to do it.

But I really, really, fucking want to. I need to drink. It’s a need, it really is. It’s more than a want.

I’m triggered, I’m hurting, and I want it to stop. I want the only thing that will make it better. People have a drink on occasion while pregnant all the time. Come on. You know it’s true.

I’m not saying it’s right, and I’m not saying that I am going to.

But you know it’s true. Even doctors are okay with it in extreme moderation or on a special occasion.

I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, which is reason enough not to.

This shit is impossible. It’s fucking impossible.

There are things I just don’t know how to talk about, and the thing that’s currently triggering me is one of them.

As open and as honest as I am on here when I’m writing, sometimes it still feels too vulnerable to talk about the things that destroy me. I just don’t know how to.

I’m hurting, I’m losing, and I want a drink. Just one. Just to feel better.

But it won’t make me feel better, one drink never does. And I would never do that, I would never make those wrong choices.

There’s no point. It won’t help, it will make me feel worse, and make me feel guilty and horrible.

I won’t do it, even though I want to. So, so, fucking badly.

I just don’t know what else there is to do to feel okay anymore.