Why do all the demons choose to confront me when the rest of the world is sleeping?
Why do the nightmares threatening to overcome, prevent sleep from ever becoming a reality?
Am I really so undeserving of the peaceful promise of sleep? It seems to come so easily for everyone else…yet for me, it’s an enemy I know all to well.
Sleep is evasive, even in my pregnant state. I thought it would be easier, I thought it would be kinder.
Yet here I lay, another day turned to tomorrow, and I feel nowhere close to ready for the eventful night of sleep that I’m sure is to come.
I’ll regret this forced upon late night tomorrow, I always do. It’s a choice I didn’t make, yet it’s my all too familiar reality.
The demons of tonight have won, for now. Sleep will evade me, and I’ll lay awake with the monsters in my brain.
The nightmares of the night can’t get me if I’m awake.
But, wait…maybe they can. Maybe that’s the problem.
The nightmares don’t care if I’m awake or asleep. They’ve won, they’ve taken hold.
That’s the tricky thing about them. They win no matter what. I suffer no matter what. When they take their grip, they don’t let go.
I want to sleep, but that sleep comes at a price.
What am I more afraid of, the nightmares of my dreams? Or the nightmares I face while I’m awake?
Either way…those are demons I’d rather not face. I’d rather they stay locked away, in the jail cells of my mind.
If only they’d stop escaping….I could really use some sleep.
Have you ever tried meds to help with the nightmares? That may not be ideal in pregnancy, but neither is not sleeping.
It was recommended a few years ago, some off label medicine for PTSD I think? But I moved and stopped seeing that doctor before anything came of it, and I never followed up asking about it.
My therapist has always been…hesitant…about the idea of me having access to any sort of sleeping pill, too. Especially while I was drinking insane amounts every night. I agreed with that assessment…but maybe things are different now?
Sounds like it could be worth re-evaluating.
Agreed. It definitely wouldn’t hurt.