No sheep to count

Another night, laying awake.

While most people count sheep, she counts bad decisions.

“Actions have consequences”. The words she reminds her son echoing in her head, as if she didn’t already know them to be true.

It wasn’t a bad day. She didn’t do anything wrong or hurt anyone, she nearly never does. Yet still, she feels like she can’t win. Like she’ll never get ahead.

A therapy session leaving with more answers than questions, her footing in this world as solid as moss on rocks.

All she wants is security. All she wants is love, is hope, is to feel safe. Yet these nights trap her in her head, every word, every action stuck on replay, an endless, unforgiving loop.

These nights are no stranger to her. A time leaving her the most vulnerable, the most alone. These nights leave her longing for a bottle or 3 of sleeping pills…exactly the reason she should never have them.

She knows what tomorrow looks like. Fatigue mixed with heavy emotions…a recipe for brutality.

She knows she’s made some bad choices along the way, but she’s trying so hard to right her wrongs. To better herself…her kids, her family.

All she wants is a happy ending for those she loves the most. Her 3 boys, now turned 4. Or maybe, it’s just still 3. Her husband who claims to love her, even when she doesn’t deserve it, and doesn’t understand it.

It’s in these nights she lays awake that she questions everything. Maybe the happy endings that she’s searching for come with the most painful realizations.

That she’s standing in the way. No one can thrive while she’s here, drowning, just barely hanging on.

Maybe she should just let go. Maybe then, they can truly all be free, have the peace that they deserve. Live guilt free in a world full of pain.

Maybe without her, the world can take that deep breath it’s been so longing to do.

Or maybe, she’s so insignificant, that it wouldn’t matter anyway.

She never mattered, anyway.

6 thoughts on “No sheep to count”

  1. I hate that you were taught that love has to be deserved.

    One of the most important things that children need is to know they’re loved. Your 3 boys, soon 4, know that. If you let go, they lose a substantial part of that, and there’s no peace there. And even if you never mattered to your family of origin, you’re the one who’s breaking that cycle with your own boys. As hard as that is, it’s incredibly significant.

    Hugs xo

    1. Thank you. I want to believe that, but there’s such a huge part of me that feels like they’re better without me.
      I’m trying to change that thinking…but I just feel so…weak right now. I feel like a problem.

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