Today, so far, feels better.

It’s always nice when the day starts off on the right foot. When things have even just the chance of being okay.

I went to the dentist first thing this morning at 7am, and honestly, it was kind of nice to just go there and sit and be still and quiet and think. Even if there was someone digging around and cleaning my teeth while that was happening.

I thought about life and the future and just…trying to stay present while also thinking ahead. I haven’t written about it yet, but I have my favorite weekend of the year coming up in a few weeks. I will be flying to a retreat weekend for birth moms. It’s my favorite weekend with my favorite people by far. It’s such a healing weekend. There’s nothing like being in a room full of people who just…get it.

So I spent a lot of time in my head about that, and that even though that weekend is emotionally difficult and extremely painful, it’s also exactly what I need.

I spent time thinking about people. How I thrive with people in my corner. How, when I do my best, I reach out, not withdraw.

I reached out to my husband. I’m starting to be more honest with him and talking about the things we’re working on in therapy. I got closer to him physically instead of pushing him away. I hugged him and was just closer rather than distant.

I’m writing more. Honestly, writing more can either be a good thing or a bad thing. Right now, I think it’s what I need. It’s a good thing.

I reached out to a few people, some I know very well, others I’m hoping to know better. Like I said, I do my best when I have people. I am a person who needs people. And I need them most when I push them away.

I need honest conversations. And more and more, I’m learning that I absolutely NEED to live in my honesty. I need to live in my truth, otherwise it consumes me and drowns me. The more honest I am and the more open I am, the more connected I feel.

We all know I suck at vulnerability. Like, I’m awful at it. But when I’m writing, it comes so much easier. When I feel more connected, both to myself through honesty and vulnerability, and others, I always feel better.

I think I need to keep pushing myself in this way. Keep connecting, keep being honest, keep living in my honesty and trying to connect with others in that way. In that real and true way.

I always say that I can’t do this alone. And I really can’t.

Due to a massively fucked up work schedule, my husband won’t be home until 12:30 or 1am today. When he normally gets home at 6pm. So…I’m sure by the time this evening comes around, I’m going to be feeling extremely lonely and isolated and shitty.

But I have a new book to read, courtesy of the author, my friend, and one of the leaders of the retreat this year. It’s a book about adoption from the birth moms perspective, which is an extreme rarity. I’m appreciative of the relatable content…even if it will force me to feel my feelings.

It’s called Both Cleaving and Cleaving by Michelle Thorne, and I’m grateful to have something that hopefully leaves me feeling just a little bit less alone, both tonight and in general.

I want to to better. I want to feel better. And I know I can’t do that on my own. I want today to continue to feel light and hopeful, even though I know I have a rough night ahead of me. I really hate being alone.

But I can do it. I can get through today, and I can get through this next week.

One step at a time. That’s all it takes. At least I have therapy tomorrow morning…if tonight doesn’t go well, at least I’ll have that.

2 thoughts on “Today, so far, feels better.”

    1. Yes…it’s really nice to not feel like 1,000 pounds of pain all the time. To feel lighter, even for just one second…I’ll take it.

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