When the night gets dark.

I’m struggling tonight, as I knew I would. With nightfall comes the dark thoughts, and with that comes the intense desire to drink.

I’ve been distracting myself from it for hours now. Writing, watching shows, reading…but the more I fight it, the louder the voices get.

But that’s not who I want to be. How can I ever claim to be strong when I break so very easily? How will I ever get past this, heal or grow, if these demons keep pulling me back in?

This is when I need people. When I need to reach out, when I desperately need to not be alone. But these are the moments when the voices in my head tell me to isolate. Withdraw. Keep it to myself, no one wants to hear from me. I’m a burden, a disaster.

Tonight is hard, and the self hatred is loud. I’m thinking every thought, about every painful thing that I’ve worked so hard to drown out of my head.

A drink would take it all away. I know it would.

But it wouldn’t. It has never made things better. Instead, its nearly dug my grave.

Hours left to go on this silent night of chaos.

Tonight is about survival. All I need to do is survive. Don’t give in to the darkness. Don’t give in to the thoughts that want you to die.

It’s not worth it, it’s not worth it.

I can do this. …

Shit. what if I can’t do this.

9 thoughts on “When the night gets dark.”

  1. I see you. I hear you. You are not alone. Your voice matters. You matter. I know what it’s like to struggle with those thoughts. We all have demons to fight. Fighting demons with you, keep going! You are strong and brave. Never let them win! ❤️

  2. bloglifenstuff40b7eba1f1

    I think I understand.. I heard the words of a song one time, “nobody wants to hear you when you’re down.” I never related with the words of an old rock song so well… people always want you to be upbeat, positive, “you can do this”, “you got this” etc.. but nobody wants to listen to how you got this way. Even less just be there. Throw some medicating words your way and move on.

    Feel like I’m ranting lol. But that’s how I feel sometimes.

    1. I get it, that makes a lot of sense. It’s hard for people to stick around and really be there when things get rough.

      1. bloglifenstuff40b7eba1f1

        True in some cases… some people don’t know how to help I guess and some just don’t care.

Leave a Reply