There are 2 very opposing sides of me. The colder, more distant and avoidant version…and the more needy, clingy, very, very broken version of me.
These 2 different versions of me could not be more opposing. They are both very broken, but I guess they are different kinds of broken.
The version of myself that I am now has turned “I love you” into “I need you”.
I don’t look at my husband and tell him I love him. I look at my husband and tell him that I need him. It’s the strongest way I can express the very broken way I’m feeling.
Honestly, I really don’t know what it means, or why those are the words that come out of my mouth. But I know that I feel it very deeply. Like, I need him, not only because I love him, but because I am feeling so broken, so alone and so scared, and I need him on the deepest level to help me fight to stay alive.
If I were a person that were more able to speak openly and vulnerably, I would tell my therapist the same thing. That I need her. Again, I really don’t know what it means when I say it. Only that it’s something I know I feel very deeply.
I’m definitely afraid of how I’m feeling right now. I haven’t felt this low in a really long time.
Yesterday, someone offered me a drink, and I took it. And it felt amazing. Not physically, I couldn’t even feel it. But emotionally, just knowing that I had a drink in my hand again…it’s those feelings, those moments that tell me I’ll never be successful in being sober. (The drink was tiny, like, less than a quarter of a real drink, and I filled the rest of it up with a fruit smoothie. So it really doesn’t count as a drink, except that emotionally, it did.)
I hate the emotionally vulnerable version of me. It makes me feel…well, vulnerable. Open to getting hurt more, open to more pain and suffering.
Usually, I’m the queen of “I don’t need you.” That, and “go away”.
I push people away, run from them before they can run from me. Don’t get hurt, hurt yourself first. So you can see how this is a stark difference.
The broken pieces of me right now are scared. They’re terrified. It’s only when I feel this low, this broken…does this side of me come out. I guess it’s like my survival mode. Like I know I’m not going to be long for this world feeling this way, and I know I need someone in order to survive…really need them. Needing someone, almost desperately so…it’s scary.
I don’t know if you know what I mean, I don’t know if I’m making any sense.
All I know is that when I say “I need you”, it’s coming from the most vulnerable and broken places in me. The part that, for some reason, is still fighting to survive.
I hate how I’m feeling. I hate that this is a thing, that people have to go through this and feel this. Right now, I’m broken enough to be afraid. And to admit that I really, really need my people.
I don’t know how I got here, but I just hope I can pull myself out of it. But I’m starting to wonder if I can.